Okay, thank you. I was offered lots of quiet hugs after the prior post….offers to listen to the issue. And I still do not feel ready to discuss it but it is time to tell you. It will, I think, take a long time to find the grace to forgive myself.
So much displeasure surrounds us. We have lost tolerance for people that get in our way or don’t agree with us or someone causes us to not do what we want when we want it. Or just disagrees so it turns to anger. One very caring person, when she managed to get out of me that I had had an automobile accident started raging about crazy drivers and even said she wished she had a gun to shoot people who make her so angry! What makes her so angry? Someone who pushes in and does not merge nicely! This person is very dear to me and it horrifies me that someone that close can be thinking her lack of calm should result in someone being shot?
What is wrong with us? What have we turned into? Why have we lost the ability to control our emotions? Why do so many of us go so easily into rages?
So, I will spill the beans because this kind of anger to others is sick and needs to stop.
I was the cause of an accident yesterday. Oh, I have been in accidents before. I even caused one as a very new driver, totaling my parents’ van. But as expensive as that was, it was just property damage. Everyone was okay.
I’ve even been in an accident that I did not cause where I was hurt. I probably had a concussion. And no one seemed to care so I tried to ignore it too.
But this time, I hurt a person. They took her to the hospital and the EMT assured me she was not hurt badly, but that is the only grace I can hold on to. Because I care. About her.
Sure, my insurance is going to go up. And yes, we have some minor damage to our car. But that consequence of an accident is normal.
But hurting another person is horrible.
So, my angel that appeared….he happens to be a guy I met at this new church we are attending. He sits in front of me with his family and from the first day I showed up there he has chatted and shared and been very friendly. Yesterday, he hugged me and held my hand and kept me grounded. Last night he showed up in the class on Jewish Roots I am holding as a Lenten seminar and only at the end after everyone else had left, respecting my need to be private about working this out, he quietly asked me how I was doing. And I know he will ask again and again as the weeks go on. Because he also cares about people. He feels. He knows.
I was holding it together okay today until it got later n the day. When it got dark, my mood also went darker. One more person who is very close pushed a bit hard to find out what happened and kept on pushing so I finally emailed a terse explanation. And then she was quiet. For a while. Probably because she also felt the horror. When she finally wrote back I chose not to answer but she will read this and I hope she understands I still am not ready to discuss it but I decided it might be easier if you all know.
We really need to check out our reactions when we lose our cool and want to strike out and hurt someone. Think about it people. This life is not about who gets there first. I believe it is who has the most friends around to hold their hands at times like this.
Thank you for being my friend. Remember we all are family.
goingplaceslivinglife 
April 4, 2014 at 8:23 am
Dear Brave Friend –
Please keep in mind they call them “accidents” while you’re coming to grips with being another mere mortal.
I know you and your heart – it couldn’t have been an “intentional”
Lots of love – asking my angels to hop over and sit with yours today.
I am for you, with you and behind. That’s forever.
❤
April 4, 2014 at 8:33 am
I knew if I had called you I would have been enveloped in the light you could send and I feel it. Thanks
April 4, 2014 at 8:00 am
Thank you my Sister, for sharing your heart with us. It is a very tough place to be. I agree with Helen as to uncovering the lessons from this situation. You are already grace in action. Please know that I stand along side of you, mostly to give you strength and to love you as you go through this.
April 4, 2014 at 8:31 am
The idea that so many people would have hit and run, trying to avoid their responsibility is horrible. People want to blame others. That court case years ago with the woman getting burned by the hot coffee she put between her legs without the top and sued McDonalds was the start of our society learning they can blame others for actions they take. We don’t like it when laws are passed that affect us, like SCOTUS ruled that the rich people can buy our government and the people who make the decisions. Not much we can do there but make noise. But first, assume the responsibility to make the noise.
April 4, 2014 at 7:07 am
We have to be one another’s angels. That’s why we are here. You’ll find both the lessons and the grace from this. But I’m sorry you have to do it. Hugs.
Take good care – iPhone Helen
April 4, 2014 at 7:48 am
I knew you would offer a pathway. Thanks. I am learning what depression feels like I think, but hopefully won’t get stuck here to long. The idea of being the cause of pain for someone else may not be new. I was, as you know, married to a man who blamed me for red lights and rainy days. But this was, I believe the first time I ever physically hurt an innocent. So many people came up to me and said “at least you didn’t drive away”. What a horrible comment about our society that won’t take responsibility now…..damn you McDonalds coffee jury!
April 7, 2014 at 8:27 am
I’m sorry you are feeling so badly about the ACCIDENT! Remember that is what it was and don’t beat yourself up too bad. You did the right thing in taking responsibility for your actions. But you really should look into the details of the hot coffee at McDonald’s case. What I have read about it shows that she had a legitimate reason for suing. She was in the hospital and had to have plastic surgery because her burns were so bad.
April 7, 2014 at 8:33 am
It could be that the coffee was hot and really injured her, but by taking the lid off and putting it between her legs, she exhibited actions that were hers and hers alone. Decision making has to be an accountable action. I followed the car before me into the left turn and yet he missed the woman and I hit her. The scooter was slowing down, possibly running out of charge or some other malfunction, but I hit her. She may not even have had a clear “walk” signal, but Oregon law is that a pedestrian in a walkway has right-of-way. I was responsible despite all these things. Once we adults start stepping up and admitting responsibility, some of the finger pointing that goes on now will end.
April 4, 2014 at 6:50 am
Love you my dear friend.
April 4, 2014 at 7:43 am
Thanks, Jennine….for your patience last night and for your steady hug today.