If you’re lucky, you had a least a handful of teachers who significantly and positively affected your learning. They stand out among all your teachers as being special and teaching you more than just the subject matter assigned. They taught how to understand the “WHY” of what you needed to learn and if you were REALLY lucky, they taught you how to continue to learn on your own without needing someone giving you assignments.
Mrs. Umholtz was one of those special teachers in my life. I learned a lot in that 7th grade class. I learned about the stock market by pooling my dollar in a classroom investment. She taught us poetry and made us memorize some classics like The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere (I know my friend Liz can still recite it!) and High Flight. More, I bet, but that’s all I can remember after 50 years. I learned state capitals. I learned the changes in Africa as nations there were gaining their independence from colonial powers. I learned how to research and write reports that included complete sentences and coherent presentations that the reader could understand.
I learned what many other kids and many adults never have: I learned how our government worked. We discussed each branch of government extensively. We had to memorize (oh yes, she was big on that) the names of LBJ’s Cabinet and learn the responsibilities of the various Executive Branch departments. We learned about how Congress enacts a bill and visited our statehouse in Trenton, getting an insider’s tour since one of my classmates’ dads was a Representative. We learned about how the Supreme Court, as the highest court in an extensive judicial system, gets presented with appeals and goes through a selection process to only hear the ones that actually are about points of law.
Our world is spinning seemingly out of control right now. Arguments and fighting seem to be the way it goes now. Unsupported boasting is believed and causes distraction while changes are being enacted quietly in the self interest of the people who hold power, ignoring they are our representatives and we voted for them.
It seems in the past year my writing here on this blog has turned more and more to commenting about the social and political aspects of life here in the US and how disturbing issues are. Not only the causes but the fact that no fix is presented. It seems we have become us versus them. It is hard to engage in any dialogue with anyone who does not hold a similar viewpoint.
Let’s start with some basics. Why not a system in our communities to educate all residents how the system works. What the community does to take care of the needs of all of us. But the basic understand must happen before we start arguing.
Can we do that?
And can we learn to present our opinion in a way that permits others to listen?
And please test yourself…..how much do YOU know about the basic issues of our nation? This is the basic knowledge you should know.
I hate being manipulated. When I know someone is pulling some strings, I usually can maneuver around that, anticipating my choices before it comes to a final showdown.
However, there are issues we normal people never know…until the Freedom of Information Act opens sealed files. And so, we find out that we were puppets once again. Case in point is The United States’ entry into World War II because of the Japanese surprise attack on Pearl Harbor. We were righteous in our indignation and because of the Japanese-German alliance, thereby could also attack Germany. That we should have been on that moral pathway two years before is something for another discussion. But here is a presentation of the facts that lead up to the attack on Pearl Harbor as I never heard them before.
The desire by those in power to further strengthen their wealth through trade and commerce, through acquisition of raw materials, has played out time and again throughout history. Just as our American government had us manipulating Spain with the explosion of the Maine in Havana harbor to start the Spanish American War. The goal always was to open more trade with other areas, notably, the Philippines. World War I’s eruption has been told often about how major powers chose certain actions instead of diplomacy. And more recently, we remember the non-existent weapons of mass destruction that had George W Bush to convince many here that we MUST go in and take out Saddam Hussein. Look what that lead to. But Cheney got extremely wealthy, so I guess opening the Pandora’s Box of a loss of leadership is a trade-off the power elite accepts.
We have just weathered a campaign season where it became greatly apparent how easily people are manipulated. Few verify things they read and I have had more than one Facebook Friend tell me if it not her job to educate me. I responded that she needed to educate herself and she has stopped talking to me now. She did not appreciate my posting facts to refute her emotionally laden editorial writing she posted as truth. It is important that EVERYONE wakes up NOW and slows down with their reactions to how the news is given. We MUST demand more information before our leadership takes us into a situation that will be dangerous to us all.
I remember back to the Gulf War II time when I cautioned we needed to verify before jumping into war. I was chastised by many that I was not being patriotic. Au contraire! It is a true Patriot’s role to help keep us in truth, justice, and what we were told watching Superman was the American Way.
Last night Vice President Elect Mike Pence attended the blockbuster Broadway hit Hamilton! and appeared to enjoy it up until the curtain call when, with the undivided support of the entire cast and writer, Brandon Victor Dixon (Aaron Burr) made a short address to Pence, who scurried out of the theater. Dixon’s point was to simply point to Pence’s appreciation of the skills and talents of the cast, many of whom are gay, some of whom are immigrants or minorities, and all are allies to those groups because they understand that is what makes America great now.
Perhaps the curtain call should have proceeded with signs…..first all the women. Then all the immigrants. Then all the gays. But that would have been too easy to ignore.
President-Elect Trump quickly grabbed his phone and tweeted not once but twice, demanding an apology.
For what? Intimidating his VP so much he ran from the theater? For speaking the truth in a space where it could not be ignored?
Trump says the theater should be a safe place. Well, time for a bit of a review.
While some plays, musical and otherwise, are simply entertainment, a bit of fluff with a set boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl kind of plot, many many many others throughout time have been used to stage very political messages. To educate the people and yes, to hope the powerful also get the point.
“Theatre remains any society’s sharpest way to hold a live debate with itself,” writes renowned English director Peter Hall in his book The Necessary Theatre. “If it doesn’t challenge, provoke or illuminate, it is not fulfilling its function.”
Written in 1999, a senior honor’s thesis by Boyd Frank Richards explains how three popular musicals in the past 20 years are clearly evident of the musical theater being used as a forum for political expression.
Much of America is unable to attend musical theater but there have been numerous television shows that have definitely had political messages. , while set in Korea was most definitely a protest against the Vietnam War. helped Americans upset with the George W Bush presidency, see there could be a more honorable way. Even showed us how lying and cheating might get someone to a goal but not with many friends.
For Trump to tweet the theater must be a safe place is one more indication that his reality is not the same as all of ours. Theater is entertainment and yes, theater can be thought-provoking.
“We, sir — we — are the diverse America who are alarmed and anxious that your new administration will not protect us, our planet, our children, our parents, or defend us and uphold our inalienable rights,” he said. “We truly hope that this show has inspired you to uphold our American values and to work on behalf of all of us.”
I think I wrote about feeling a bit like George Plimpton a few years ago when I was writing for The Wild Ramp Market in Huntington, West Virginia. (To bring the youngsters up to speed, George Plimpton was a writer/journalist who decided he would actually have the experience before he wrote about the Detroit Lions. That experience became a book, Paper Lion, and then a movie. He wrote of other sports as well, always having participated fully.)
At the time I was visiting farms and other food producers for the year-round local food market, there was a lot I did not know. I still don’t know much about farming, but it is because of all the questions I asked and the experiences I had that I have learned a bit. For example, milking a goat and processing chickens. That last one was never on my bucket list but I am glad for the experience.
Well, yesterday I had a similar chance to do something related to farming and processing that I never expected to. The fact that it all was legal means I can tell you about it!
A friend vaguely asked me if I would help with his harvest and I asked, simply, winter squash? It’s that time of year, after all, and Can-Do Real Food has a killer Winter Squash Coconut Curry instant soup recipe, so you see where my mind was.
No….he kept me guessing and then showed me a photo. Ahhhh….here in Oregon we are permitted to grow our own weed. There is a limitation and rules about how much you can grow for personal use. What I didn’t know at the time was his is a licensed medical grow operation, so we really were helping legitimately.
It has to be dried….a lot like tobacco. Anyone who has lived or visited the South or the Connecticut River Valley has noticed the drying sheds and barns.
It has to be trimmed….the unused portions removed from the good parts so the drying surfaces are smaller and easier to treat.
It has to be checked for mold….always something can go wrong but even with the recent rains, this harvest had only minimal amounts of decay.
I saw some awesome drying racks he was using that we have ordered for curing garlic next year! The synergy of learning new things in action.
So, why share this small blip in my education? Because I like to show you that learning can be very fun indeed. Be a life-long learner. Do not be afraid to step away from your comfort zone and learn new facts and abilities.
You never know who will invite you to an awesome activity!
Maybe EACH of us SHOULD do this. Maybe each of us should listen to a speech and then get the transcript and talk back. And maybe we need to talk to each other also.
So, driving home from a bunch of work-related errands this evening, I heard Speaker of the House Paul Ryan rah-rah at the Republican Convention. I felt the need to retort….so here goes:
Speech by U.S. House of Representatives Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin), Chair of the Republican National Convention:
Thank you all very much.
Delegates, friends, and fellow citizens: I appreciate the privilege of addressing this forty-first convention of the Party of Lincoln.
Oh, I really think the way they claim Lincoln to prove they are “good” is funny.I notice they do not claim more recent Republicans, which speaks a lot louder.
As part of my co-chairman duties, let me thank all the people of this beautiful city for looking after us this week. And above all I want to thank the men and women here from law enforcement for your service.
You know, standing up here again, it all has a familiar feel. Students of trivia will recall that last time around I was your nominee for vice president. It was a great honor, even if things didn’t work out quite according to plan.
But hey, I’m a positive guy. I’ve found other things to keep me busy. And I like to look at it this way. Next time there’s a State of the Union address, I don’t know where Joe Biden and Barack Obama will be. But you’ll find me right there on the rostrum with Vice President Mike Pence and President Donald Trump.
“Postive guy”?????? Is that why the only word we’ve been hearing is “no”. No, we won’t meet to talk about the nominee for the Supreme Court.
Democracy is a series of choices. We Republicans have made ours.
Have we had our arguments this year? Sure we have – and you know what I call those? Signs of life. Signs of a party that’s not just going through the motions. Not just mouthing new words for the same old stuff.
Hmmm, wait a minute here, Paul. Your co-chair shut down the protest within the Republican delegates pretty quickly. Guess muzzling people is a Republican choice, too?
Meanwhile, what choice has the other party made, in this incredible year filled with so many surprises?
Seems like voting fraud is not just a Republican issue. People in power do not like to lose it. Yes, that was a jab at Hillary also.
Here we are, at a time when men and women in both parties so clearly, so undeniably, want a big change in direction for America, a clean break from a failed system. And what does the Democratic Party establishment offer? What is their idea of a clean break?
They are offering a third Obama term, brought to you by another Clinton. And we’re supposed to be excited about that?
Personally, I think getting a “third Obama term”, while there are problems and I don’t like everything he has done, would be preferable to spending billions to build walls, splitting up families, and registration of members of one religion. Not to mention the probability of a new war, possibly one we will not survive.
For a country so ready for change, it feels like we had been cleared for takeoff, and then somebody announced we’re all going back to the gate.
For a nation that wants change, let’s look at who is wanting what kind of change. Let;s also notice who refuses to change in teh manner of equal access to the law.
It’s like we’ve been on hold forever, waiting and waiting to finally talk to a real person, and somehow we’ve been sent back to the main menu.
It’s as if you’ve been having to share equal access to rights and the law with all kinds of people and that just is not comfortable.
Watch the Democratic Party convention next week – that four-day infomercial of politically correct moralizing. And let it be a reminder of all that is at stake in this election. You can get through four days of it, with a little help from the mute button. But four more years of it?
I’m sure you can manage the same way you managed the last bit…doing nothing.
Not … a … chance. The Obama years are almost over. The Clinton years are way over.
Two-thousand sixteen is the year America moves on.
Hopefully, with a gun or two in many hands, the movement will not be bloody.
From now to November, we will hear how many different ways progressive elitists can find to talk down to the rest of America … to tell voters that the Obama years have been good for you … that you should be grateful, and now, well, it’s Hillary’s turn.
Oh, I LOVED this one! Hillary aims her speeches at a 7th grade level. Trump at a 4th grade level. Sorry if Hillary is talking down to you. Why didn’t you learn to read and understand when you went to school like we did?
But the problem is very simple. There is a reason people in our country are disappointed and restless.
The solution is so hard that no Republican has come up with one.
If opportunity seems like it’s been slipping away, that’s because it has. And liberal progressive ideas have done exactly nothing to help. Wages never seem to go up.
Yes, opportunity has slipped away as fast as the middle class has lost ground. The wages that never seem to go up….well, who has been fighting raising the minimum wage? Hell, who has been hiring people at minimum wage while CEOs are taking humongous bonuses and profits have shit out the roof along with the rise in the stock market?
The whole economy feels stuck. And for millions of Americans, middle-class security is now just a memory.
Yes, the middle class and the poor feel a loss of security. But the rich are happy…..well, maybe not. They always want more.
Progressives like our president talk forever about poverty in America. And if high-sounding talk did any good, we’d have overcome these deep problems long ago.
It sure must be annoying to hear that there are poor people everywhere. And you are very right. Talk does no good. And apparently you and the Congress decide that work is not your shtick, so talk is all there is.
This explains why, under the most liberal president we’ve had so far, poverty in America is worse – especially for our fellow citizens who were promised better and need it most.
No, YOUR lack of positive responsiveness to help creative jobs, improve the infrastructure, and build educational opportunities to retrain people who have lost their manufacturing jobs because there are incentives in place for corporations to go elsewhere for cheaper labor, often with children.
The result is a record of discarded promises … empty gestures … phony strawman arguments … reforms put off forever … shady power plays, like the one that gave us Obamacare … constitutional limits brushed off as nothing … and, all the while, dangers in the world downplayed, even as the threats grow bolder and come closer.
Discarded promises like yours and your fellow Republicans to serve? Like the Judiciary Committee who refuses to even meet with the nominee for the Supreme Court? You brought it up: shady power plays? Are YOU throwing stones? And you are blaming the fact that Congress voted to approve the ACA because you and so many never read the thing? Hey! That‘s why you have assistants! Are you telling us you don’t read OTHER bills? Is that why there is nothing being done by Congress?
It’s the latest chapter of an old story: progressives deliver everything except progress.
Ahhh, blocked by the Congress, not much could get done. But wait a minutes, complain about Presidential order again now.
Yet we know better than to think that Republicans can win only on the failures of Democrats. It still comes down to the contest of ideas. Which is really good news, ladies and gentlemen, because when it’s about ideas, the advantage goes to us.
Yes, appealing to fear and hate is always a reachable emotion. Much better than idealism like building community and helping the least of us…oops, forgive me, I’ve been going to church too much.
Against the dreary backdrop of arrogant bureaucracies … pointless mandates … reckless borrowing … willful retreat in the world … and all that progressives still have in store for us, the Republican Party stands as the great, enduring alternative.
Enduring? You think a Trump Presidency will result in a viable nation? We WILL endure if we don’t get rounded up for being subversive.
We believe in making government, as Ronald Reagan said, not the distributor of gifts and privilege, but once again the protector of our liberties.
Ah yes, the Constitution. Thank goodness it says ALL people. EQUAL access. We Democrats remember that part.
it says Let the other party go on making its case for more government control over every aspect of our lives – more taxes to pay … more debt to carry … more rules to follow … more judges who just make it up as they go along.
Excuse me, no Democratic government wants control of my vagina. No Democratic government wants to say love is not love unless it is between a man and a woman no matter how they cheated on their spouses and no matter how many times they betrayed those wedding vows. And o, by the way, those judges follow that Cosntitution. Sorry, like the Bible, it’s very apparent you Republicans seem to like some parts better than others.
We, in this party, are committed to a federal government that acts again as a servant accountable to the people, following the Constitution, and venturing not one inch beyond the consent of the governed.
If the Congress passes bills that over 80% of the nation’s population does not want, are you acting as a servant to the people? Seems like someone else is pulling the strings.
We, in this party, offer a better way for our country, based on fundamentals that go back to the Founding generation. We believe in a free society where aspiration and effort can make the difference in every life … where your starting point is not your destiny … and where your first chance is not your only chance.
The Republican Party did NOT exist at the foundation of this nation. But that’s okay, raise the flag, say some words that sound pretty but the Republican party as governed by many governors, does NOT offer better chances to people who want out of their starting point. In fact, some states with Republican governors are really hurting now.
We offer a better way for America, with ideas that actually work. A reformed tax code that rewards free enterprise, instead of just enterprising lobbyists.
Free enterprise sounds great and most of your 4th grade followers have little concept of the rules that the government has for those who want to start a business. And Paul, don’t try to BS us about the enterprising lobbyists will be thrown out of the Temple I mean the Congress.
A reformed health care system that operates by free choice, instead of by force, and doesn’t leave you answering to cold, clueless bureaucrats.
A health care system that is accessible to those that can’t afford it? That means something like 60% of the current population will be out in the cold, clueless of how to manage their choices of food or medicine. But I guess when you decide Social Security Disability is spending too much money you might begin to understand a population with managed health is better.
A renewed commitment to building a 21st-Century military – and to giving our veterans the care they were promised, the care that they have earned.
Let’s talk about waste here also. Let’s admit we have the largest armed forces in the world. Let’s hear you admit you perceive we need more because we will soon be actively at war.
And we offer a better way of dealing with persistent poverty in this country: A way that shows poor Americans the world beyond liberal warehousing and checkwriting … into the life everyone can find, with opportunity and independence … the happiness of using your gifts, and the dignity of having a job.
Has the Republican Party EVER come up with a way to help people out of poverty? I must have missed that.
And you know what? None of this will happen under Hillary Clinton.
And you know what? None of this will happen under Donald Trump.
Only with Donald Trump and Mike Pence do we have a chance at a better way.
A better way for you…..not most, including the poor suckers who believe you.
And, last, let the other party go on and on with its constant dividing up of people … always playing one group against the other, as if group identity were everything.
Ahhhh, blinder and memory loss apparently. WHO has been saying all Mexicans are rapists? WHO has been saying all Muslims are terrorists? WHO has been saying all Democrats want is more money?
In America, aren’t we all supposed to see beyond class, or ethnicity, or all those other lines drawn to set us apart and lock us in groups?
Do you, Paul, ever sit down and spend a day (not an hour) helping in an inner city school? How about harvesting crops? How about mining coal? Let’s talk about how YOU intermingle every day with the poor, the people of color, the disabled, the homeless. Then we can have a real conversation about the groups in this nation that have to be considered.
Real social progress is always a widening of the circle of concern and protection. It’s respect and empathy overtaking blindness and indifference. It’s understanding that by the true measure we are all neighbors and countrymen – called, each one of us, to know what is right and kind and just, and to go and do likewise.
Your neighbors are not mine. There is a class difference and you know it. You have gates on the streets that enter your neighborhoods and the only people of color who enter are for cleaning your houses, mowing your lawns, keeping your pool waters sparkling. The true measure is that made by those people who enter your pristine neighborhood, happy for the work, but ashamed and sickened by your attitude.
Everyone is equal … everyone has a place … no one is written off, because there is worth and goodness in every life.
Everyone has a place is a line that tells it all.
Straight from the Declaration of Independence, that is the Republican ideal – and if we won’t defend it, who will?
Once again, history lesson. Republicans were NOT there at the drafting or signing of the Declaration of Independence. The people most like you were Tories, sticking to the ways of the King. The upstarts, the rebels, were young and breaking the rules. But again, the 4th grade education level of your constituents pays off as they didn’t really pay attention in US History class.
So much that you and I care about, so many things we stand for, are in the balance in the coming election. Whatever we lack going into this campaign, we should not lack for motivation. In the plainest terms I know, it is all on the line.
Hey! I agree with this! It IS on the line…for all of us.
So let’s act that way. Let’s use the edge we have, because it is still what earns trust and votes. This year of surprises and dramatic turns can end in the finest possible way – when America elects a conservative governing majority.
You had a conservative ruling majority in Congress and we saw very clearly what you did….nothing for the PEOPLE. Nothing for the veterans, nothing for the teachers, nothing for the people who want to know what country their food comes from, nothing for the people. Plenty for the powerful. We see how the conservatives are.
We can do this, we can earn that mandate, if we don’t hold anything back, if we never lose sight of the stakes. Our candidates will be giving their all, their utmost, and every one of us has got to do the same.
Yes, you can earn the mandate. And next week we will hear something similar and I probably will be annoyed enough to do this again. The candidates of both parties start out pretty excited to help their constituents…and then along come deep pockets with how many trillions of dollars to help dish out more empty words and lies, yes lies.
So what do you say we unite this party, at this crucial moment when unity is everything?
There are still some sane people in the Republican party who recognize what a mistake Trump is. Good luck to all of you uniting.
Let’s take the fight to our opponents with better ideas – let’s get on the offensive and let’s stay there.
Oh, you’re plenty offensive enough.
Let’s compete in every part of America, and turn out at the polls like every last vote matters, because it will.
Except where you need voter ID that is new and different from the one you’ve been using for years. Then your vote doesn’t matter.
Fellow Republicans, what we have begun here, let’s see it through … let’s win this thing … let’s show America our best and nothing less.
I’m still waiting to see your BEST for all people.
Thank you, and God bless.
And now, we will see. Get ready for next week’s version and then three and a half months of …… empty promises and probable lies. Equal opportunity no matter the party affiliation, I’m afraid.
Several years ago I was caring for a 10-year-old while her mother worked and found she was way behind in her school work. So, instead of letting her vegetate in front of the TV, I spent at least an hour a day working with manipulatives, listening to songs and other tools to help her learn the times table. I had her help me in the kitchen baking so we could talk about fractions. She complained to mom that I never played with her. I was no fun.
In the car one day with both of them, I pointed to a traffic sign and asked the girl why it was yellow. She didn’t know. I helped her work it through by using the example of a traffic light. The mom yelled at me “Not everything has to be a teaching opportunity!”
I disagree. Strongly.
Childhood not only is the time when most learning happens, it is easiest then. It also is a time that sets up patterns for life.
We wonder why there are so many lazy people. So many people who drink and dope. So many people who can’t keep a job because they don’t have even the skill to report on time and be responsible. Children learn from the adults around them.
So, yes, every moment is most certainly a teaching opportunity with children, even when we are passive. They are watching.
We want a better society…..it starts at home. You are amazed how bad kids behave today…..it starts at home. You think the clerk at the store is rude….it starts at home. Be the example you want to see.
18% of Americans still believe that the sun revolves around the earth, according to a Gallup poll.
The Oklahoma Council of Public Affairs commissioned a civic education poll among public school students. A surprising 77% didn’t know that George Washington was the first President; couldn’t name Thomas Jefferson as the author of the Declaration of Independence; and only 2.8% of the students actually passed the citizenship test. Along similar lines, the Goldwater Institute of Phoenix did the same survey and only 3.5% of students passed the civics test. Try to pass a typical citizenship test to see how YOUR knowledge rates.
The American Association of State Colleges and Universities report on education shows that the U.S. ranks second among all nations in the proportion of the population aged 35-64 with a college degree, but 19th in the percentage of those aged 25-34 with an associate or high school diploma, which means that for the first time, the educational attainment of young people will be lower than their parents. And while the lack of a college education limits earning potential for most people, the escalating costs and increasing debt load of young people make the cost of a college education difficult to value. Meanwhile, the US is falling further behind other western nations.
According to the 2009 National Assessment of Educational Progress, 68% of public school children in the U.S. do not read proficiently by the time they finish third grade. And the U.S. News & World reported that barely 50% of students are ready for college level reading when they graduate. Few people read for pleasure and even more, many people do not seem to have the ability to do basic research skills so they accept what they read at face value. How many books have YOU read so far this year?
Gallup released a poll indicating 42 percent of Americans still believe God created human beings in their present form less than 10,000 years ago. This has a lot to say about science education and the lack of interest by almost half of the population to know basic physical facts about the world around them.
A 2008 University of Texas study found that 25 percent of public school biology teachers believe that humans and dinosaurs inhabited the earth simultaneously and there is a museum in Cincinnati that shows this so it must be true.
In American schools, the culture exalts the athlete and good-looking cheerleader. Well-educated and intellectual students are commonly referred to in public schools and the media as “nerds,” “dweebs,” “dorks,” and “geeks,” and are relentlessly harassed and even assaulted by the more popular “jocks” for openly displaying any intellect. These anti-intellectual attitudes are not reflected in students in most European or Asian countries, whose educational levels have now equaled and and will surpass that of the U.S. Again, just one more way we have fallen behind. When more people are interested in Kanye and little about their current representative to Congress, there is a serious problem.
And the list goes on…..
So the question is what are you doing to keep learning?
MOM-izm. (noun) A statement presented as a grand truth by your mother, so it must be considered to be reliable and accurate.
I don’t know about you, but I wised up to some of my mother’s momisms pretty early. They just had an otherworldly basis, as if there was no place for them in the reality of the world I lived in. So, it became a bit of a test for me to see if I could knock them down.
A GIRL SHOULD NOT GET MARRIED WHILE SHE IS IN COLLEGE AS SHE WILL NOT FINISH! My mom worked at a nurse at the local university’s student health center and met a number of young women. Some she “adopted” and I soon had a number of “sisters”. That was cool…the more to love the merrier. But R met A and he was in the Navy heading to JAG school and then to assignment somewhere. Mom was sure R would not graduate, especially when she got pregnant, but sure enough, she walked with her class and then went on to do great things Mom admired. Amazing what you can do when you have a plan. Later, I got married before I graduated, and finished my bachelor’s degree on time, no problem. In fact, the new location lead to an interesting job opportunity I would never have had if I had not moved.
DIVORCE IS FORBIDDEN! I knew my Aunt E was divorced; THAT was not a secret. The reason was, though. E and her daughter S lived with my paternal grandparents and other than their rooms being very crowded and messy, nothing was unusual, really. But when my own marriage became emotional stressed I had this wall of forbidden territory I kept bumping against. No method of trying to reach his head or his heart worked and it wasn’t until my mother came to visit and noticed how rude he was, even to her, she said to me “I don’t know how you can stay with him.” It was like a ray of sunshine on a dark dreary day. Thanks for changing the Momism, Mom.
NO SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE! Get real Mom. Teach responsibility. (Don’t just leave books out for me to “find” and read.) Teach about not giving yourself away. Teach about birth control. Teach about how magical sex can be if the partner is a person who truly loves you. But also remember to teach that sexual urges are pretty darn normal. So, yes, I had my early escapade, and shamefully but wisely went to the health center to get my birth control. Hid it in the sweater drawer when I went home for the summer. (Surely there was no need for Mom to go into THAT drawer.) What fools we be, we who try to deceive. Yes, Mom, the pills were mine. I was being playful, but responsible. And get out of my drawers!!!
THE MAN IS THE BOSS. YOU WILL TAKE CARE OF YOUR HUSBAND AND HE WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU. Only problem with that one was he didn’t have the same mom so he didn’t get taught the same lesson. (Of course, if he had had the same mom, we would have been into a different forbidden territory-LOL) A corollary of this was told to my oldest sister who, when she achieved her Masters in Nursing and discussed continuing to get her PhD was told she would emasculate her husband who had been “working” on his PhD for 10 years. My sister did not recognize this was a Momism; she thought it was sage advice, and so, she did not continue her education. That marriage ended in divorce, because, as I indicated above, I broke the taboo in the family.
ADULT CHILDREN SHOULD LIVE NEAR THEIR PARENTS, TO BETTER HELP THEM WHEN THEY GET OLD. I was very very young when my paternal grandmother came to stay with us to recuperate from a heart attack. I do remember that she decided that I, at age 3, was too old for my favorite bedtime blankie and made it disappear. I imagine my mom had issues as well because Grandma did not come back when she had a subsequent heart attack a few years later. Mom had my vote on that one, not that she asked. When I ended up living 1000 miles away from my parents as a young adult, my mom asked why. I reminded her that she had taken us camping around the US every summer; that if she wanted me to be convinced that New Jersey was the center of the universe she should have never shown me the world.
CHILDREN NEED TO…….(PICK ANY) WAKE UP AND PERFORM WHEN RELATIVES STOP BY AFTER BEDTIME, GET ON THE PHONE AND TALK TO YOUR GRANDPARENTS EVEN THOUGH YOU VISITED THEM WEEKLY, GIVE KISSES TO PEOPLE YOU DIDN’T KNOW BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS SAID IT WAS WHAT YOU MUST DO…(the list goes on and on and on). One morning my mother told me that I had played my violin very well for the second cousins who had stopped by (we were just off the New Jersey Turnpike so it was a friendly pit stop) on their way home to Albany around 10pm. I was 10 years old and I’m sure it was no more than Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, but golly gee, I had no memory of it. What a talent! I could play in my sleep! This “late night” performing did not bother me as much as the enforced phone conversations and I never made my kids get on the phone. Interesting enough, they often wanted to. Amazing what free choice can do.
OUR RELIGION IS THE ONLY RIGHT ONE. Well, no. Simply, no. Since people started sharing their thoughts about their place in the Universe there has been over 3000 interpretations of man’s relationship with God. And all, every single one of them, was “manmade”. (very few women have been involved in the major Western religions.) So, let’s toss out “my way is the only way” and get to the basics-teaching morals and behavior based on treating others the way you want to be treated. I dare say if we comply with that, as simple as it is, we will be happier as a people.
IF YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING I WOULD NOT LIKE, YOU SHOULDN’T BE DOING IT. Yikes, Mom…not fair! Although you smoked, it wasn’t pot. You didn’t cut school. You didn’t hitchhike. (Well, considering how scary that one was, I never did it again.) You didn’t get mugged in the New York subway with your best friend. (And I couldn’t tell you about it because it was one of those days when I had skipped school.) My mom’s voice was in my head when I started a misadventure but I always told her to be quiet, I had thought it through. So, when it came time to raise my own kids, I modified it. IF YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING YOU KNOW I WOULD NOT LIKE, BE SURE YOU WANT TO BE DOING IT.
It would be interesting to read my kids’ version of this essay. LOL
She was young and it seemed he had always been in her life. Years before he had dated her older sister and although she had ended it, the mom saw the guy had a poor home life and so “adopted” him, telling him he would always have a place at their table. He came often, spending hours, bringing gifts, even to the little girl.
He was a war hero, a Green Beret. It was a time of divisiveness in the nation. The girl hated the war but she felt some pride that he took that challenge and faced something she could not even imagine. He showed her some shrapnel scars but told no stories.
The summer she was twenty he started making his moves. He kissed her in a way brothers don’t kiss sisters and it confused her. She was off for the summer on a job and he wrote often. She found she looked forward to his letters and when he suggested she come to where he was working for the summer instead of returning home, she agreed.
The first night he made her comfortable and did not touch her. The next day he made small moves and by that evening, she was prepped. Things progressed and when he finally drove her home, he declared he loved her. She responded, as her mother had taught her, to the words of promise.
She still had two years of college to complete, but she had been taking extra courses all along and by taking classes that next summer, she was ready to graduate a semester early. They got married and he whisked her away to his home, 1000 miles from her family. It was an adventure.
She got a good job following her graduation. She sometimes had to travel and used a company car, as she had none of her own. He would not let her use the car, often taking his motorcycle and leaving the car sitting in the driveway. She did not press for a key, as her mother had taught her that the man is the boss.
He’d come home angry. He hated his job. Each day, as her mother had taught her, she would try to be pleasant, to ease him out of his foul mood. Days later, weeks later, months later, she tried different tactics to reach him. When she tried to be more reflective, speaking calmly but clearly that his action was affecting her, he got angrier.
Each night, as her mother had taught her, she prepared for sex by inserting her diaphragm. Just about each night he would force his way into her unaroused body and she would send her mind somewhere else. She did have one niggling thought that if there had been any foreplay to get her aroused, maybe he would not take so long to climax.
He took her to a range to show her how to shoot a gun. He gave her his .357 magnum as the weapon to shoot. It was heavy but she aimed as he instructed and somehow hit the center of the target. She stopped there, handing the weapon back to him. For once she had the position of being the one causing confusion. It was clear he wanted to intimidate her. He never pulled the guns out again.
She discovered she had a breast lump during some rough sex. In the days before scans and needle biopsies she had a surgery scheduled and signed away her boob if the tumor was malignant. He told her not to come home if she was deformed. It was benign and he picked her up, making her wait a few hours for him to get her.
Finally, 15 months into the marriage, they took a belated honeymoon. She bought a new negligee and anticipated a walk on a secluded beach culminating in some reawakening of the passion he had claimed prior to the marriage. He refused to go for a walk on the beach, ripped the new gown to shreds and continued as always. The next night, when she plainly said she wanted some love making, he hit her.
Immediately her head cleared. Suddenly she knew she could no longer be the compliant wife, the good little girl there to please her man. In that one strike she realized that he could kill her.
It still took another month before she told him to leave the house and not come back for 3 hours. She had been sharing what was happening with a girlfriend who came to rescue her. She moved out that day, New Years Day 1977 and started to get her life back. She had nightmares for years, but over the years, she learned to rely on herself. That a man could be a good companion but was not the keeper of her life.
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We have men in this country who believe that women are playthings, not people with equal rights. That there can be no rape in marriage, that the man should just take what he wants. Some of those man who speak that way hold public office and at least one is running for the Republican party nomination for President. He is highly popular and it confuses me that any woman could be in reality and prefer him.
Our daughters need to be taught that they are precious and deserve equal and fair treatment. Our sons needs to be taught that women must be respected and treated with love. They all need to be taught that lust is not love and that choosing a partner needs to be based on behavior and actions, not words.
Following the Christmas holiday I don’t need to tell YOU that your family is……..well, challenged. I have one myself. I had an aunt that my mother disliked so much she never talked to her brother but, because of family dynamics, I needed to allow her to sing her warble of some song I didn’t even know at my wedding. I had another aunt who, in the 1950s got a (whisper here) divorce and all we ever heard was “don’t come running home to us if you have problems with your husband.” Not exactly a helpful life lesson.
So, we all have less than perfect families, and if we are true to form, we don’t do such a great job at parenting. We do what we know, so unless you have sought out a parenting class, you will have a tendency to teach your children in the same dysfunctional way you were raised.
In the interest of changing that here are TEN RULES TO BETTER FAMILY LIFE:
Recognize that the reason you love your friends more than your family is because your friends let you do the shit your mom and dad won’t. That doesn’t mean that shit is good. It still is shit. Your parents literally cleaned up your shit as a baby and into your childhood, but now it is time for you to realize that your actions have consequences and you really need to accept responsibility. When you grow up, your relationships with the long term people who are on your life path AKA your family, will improve.
Let go of anger. We want to be RIGHT! We want others to know they are WRONG! Let it go. It is not a helpful manner of communication. If you really feel strongly that your little sister or your second cousin is on the road to perdition, sit down calmly, maybe with a cup of lavender tea (ha ha) and ask why they feel their pathway is going to bring them the life they want. LISTEN. They probably will not come around, but at least you’ll understand better and maybe they will turn to you when they recognize they need to change their ways.
Look in the mirror. Recognize your own flaws. Now praise your skills realistically. Understand that each of us is made of the entire ability spectrum. You and your buddies are not the only ones who can do things right. Even your parents get it right some of the time.
Learn from others. Yup, even that warbling aunt of mine probably had something worthwhile to share with me……hard for me to imagine but I am remembering her with a child’s memory. If you are an adult, you can go where I was unable to perceive.
Look at your children. We watched Home Alone again this Christmas and a few things were obvious to an outsider that the family members did not perceive. Be fair when you think over your kids’ strengths and weaknesses. Don’t have them do what YOU wish you could have done as a kid if they are not interested. Help them develop their own interests. Help them learn to read and research.
Look at your children again. Help them learn life skills like cooking, sewing buttons and hems, how to wash laundry and iron to press a shirt to make a good appearance, and how to swim. A man who expects his wife or girlfriend to do all the cooking does not realize the stress that constant task causes. More importantly, he never sees her face light up in pleasure when he prepares her a nourishing meal. A man who can cook is sexy.
Look at your children again. Teach your kids to change their oil and their tires. You may not be that proficient yourself. Learn it together. Your daughters too. Watch your tendency for sexism. Let your sons and daughters learn they can access the entire array of arts and skills.
Tell stories to your kids. Turn off the television and the electronic gadgets. Have one evening a month (or more) when you gather to share the stories of your childhood. Keep it as upbeat as possible. Your baggage with your parents need not be their baggage. Tell about adventures you had when you were tested and succeeded. Tell about times you thought you could do something but failed and how you responded to that experience. Let them tell stories too. Use a talking stick to pass the right to talk around the circle.
Explore together. Food is an excellent vehicle for exploration. Move away from what you know. I remember when we visited England for the first time and I asked for bangers and mash at a pub because I had read about it in numerous British stories,. The server paused and then said, “You know that is nursery food?” In other words, for little kids. That was okay, since it was a new experience for me, but it is not okay for you to turn to mac and cheese every few days. Time to learn new tricks. You are an adult now. You have control over your gag reflex and will not barf into your plate. Really. Taste new things. You need not repeat if you honestly do not like it. But your world will open when you explore the amazing variety of flavors from all over the world.
Realize, if you change your ways, your birth family members may make some snarky comments. That’s when you get to practice your smile and say, yeah! I’m doing great and I’m proud of my kids! And mean it.
helped Americans upset with the George W Bush presidency, see there could be a more honorable way. Even 
showed us how lying and cheating might get someone to a goal but not with many friends.
I saw some awesome drying racks he was using that we have ordered for curing garlic next year! The synergy of learning new things in action.
CHILDREN NEED TO…….(PICK ANY) WAKE UP AND PERFORM WHEN RELATIVES STOP BY AFTER BEDTIME, GET ON THE PHONE AND TALK TO YOUR GRANDPARENTS EVEN THOUGH YOU VISITED THEM WEEKLY, GIVE KISSES TO PEOPLE YOU DIDN’T KNOW BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS SAID IT WAS WHAT YOU MUST DO…(the list goes on and on and on). One morning my mother told me that I had played my violin very well for the second cousins who had stopped by (we were just off the New Jersey Turnpike so it was a friendly pit stop) on their way home to Albany around 10pm. I was 10 years old and I’m sure it was no more than Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, but golly gee, I had no memory of it. What a talent! I could play in my sleep! This “late night” performing did not bother me as much as the enforced phone conversations and I never made my kids get on the phone. Interesting enough, they often wanted to. Amazing what free choice can do.
goingplaceslivinglife 