Parenting Myself

So many people have been trying to help me move through this incident.  The most common thing people have said is “that’s why we have insurance.”  And that is true. She will get the medical care she needs at no cost to herself and the electric scooter will be repaired or replaced.

The concept of insurance is to protect against loss. Without it, the financial burden would be hard to cover, without a doubt.  I have, even in periods of my life when I was stressed financially, always carried insurance.  When I am the responsible party, the LEAST that can be done is cover the costs to try to get things back to where they were before the accident happened.

Many people said, “it was an accident, not something you planned to do.” Well, true. I did not start my day saying “hmmmm, wonder what it would feel like to hit someone with my car today.” But it has been a sort of nightmare concern of mine for years. I always envisioned my brakes failing…something where I was not in full control. Can’t duck this accident that way. But yes, it was an accident.

Other people have suggested that I will learn from this. Very true. More diligence when driving. I long ago put away the cell phone. I turn the radio off when I am in heavy traffic or nearing the last few turns trying to find a new place. I keep distractions down to a minimum.  Yet I know, as you probably do too, there are times when I know I am on “automatic.” I arrive home and wonder how tuned in I was sometimes. This time, though, I know I was alert…and yet I missed seeing her, so obviously I was not alert enough. Something to be more aware.

The best comment one friend made was to ask how I would parent my kids if one of them had had this accident. That was good. That gave me something to build back with.

Because I would not want any of my children to be feeling the way I do.  So what words of wisdom could I share with them to help them?

I think it is good that I am so bothered. It means I consider life to be precious, that I have no right to hurt someone or affect their life in such a negative way.

Have I been free from causing other people pain in my life before this? Not only no, but hell no. I am not going to go into details but I will admit that I enjoy using big words whenever I talk with my older kids’ father.  Okay, that kind of nastiness doesn’t get far from the Goodie Two Shoes standard, but there have been a few other people who have had their lives disrupted because of me. Not happy about it  but I have been able to work  through those situations by recognizing that those people played an equal part in the failure of what happened.

This woman was merely crossing the street….completely innocent…and perhaps that is the thing. Recognizing that other people make their choices and I make my choices and sometimes things will happen that cause them to bump.

Not happy. But yes, an accident. I get it.

It amazes me that so many of the bystanders made a similar comment: “At least you stopped and helped.” So many people run from the consequences of their actions that my staying and admitting responsibility was unusual? That is a pretty sad comment about society.

But before you agree, remember YOU are a member of that society.  And your actions are part of what we consider when we talk about society’s values. Set a good example and perhaps more will follow.

Okay, so I will move up out of this funk I think because of your words and your help and my own basic who I am. Let us all be a bit kinder.

 

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Trying to Find Grace

Okay, thank you. I was offered lots of quiet hugs after the prior post….offers to listen to the issue. And I still do not feel ready to discuss it but it is time to tell you.  It will, I think, take a long time to find the grace to forgive myself.

So much displeasure surrounds us. We have lost tolerance for people that get in our way or don’t agree with us or someone causes us to not do what we want when we want it. Or just disagrees so it turns to anger. One very caring person, when she managed to get out of me that I had had an automobile accident started raging about crazy drivers and even said she wished she had a gun to shoot people who make her so angry! What makes her so angry? Someone who pushes in and does not merge nicely!   This person is very dear to me and it horrifies me that someone that close can be thinking her lack of calm should result in someone being shot?

What is wrong with us?  What have we turned into? Why have we lost the ability to control our emotions? Why do so many of us go so easily into rages?

So, I will spill the beans because this kind of anger to others is sick and needs to stop.

I was the cause of an accident yesterday. Oh, I have been in accidents before. I even caused one as a very new driver, totaling my parents’ van. But as expensive as that was, it was just property damage. Everyone was okay.

I’ve even been in an accident that I did not cause where I was hurt. I probably had a concussion.  And no one seemed to care so I tried to ignore it too.

But this time, I hurt a person. They took her to the hospital and the EMT assured me she was not hurt badly, but that is the only grace I can hold on to. Because I care. About her.

Sure, my insurance is going to go up. And yes, we have some minor damage to our car. But that  consequence of an accident is normal.

But hurting another person is horrible.

So, my angel that appeared….he happens to be a guy I met at this new church we are attending. He sits in front of me with his family and from the first day I showed up there he has chatted and shared and been very friendly. Yesterday, he hugged me and held my hand and kept me grounded. Last night he showed up in the class on Jewish Roots I am holding as a Lenten seminar and only at the end after everyone else had left, respecting my need to be private about working this out, he quietly asked me how I was doing. And I know he will ask again and again as the weeks go on. Because he also cares about people. He feels. He knows.

I was holding it together okay today until it got later n the day. When it got dark, my mood also went darker. One more person who is very close pushed a bit hard to find out what happened and kept on pushing so I finally emailed a terse explanation. And then she was quiet. For a while. Probably because she also felt the horror.  When she finally wrote back I chose not to answer but she will read this and I hope she understands I still am not ready to discuss it but I decided it might  be easier if you all know.

We really need to check out our reactions when we lose our cool and want to strike out and hurt someone.  Think about it people.  This life is not about who gets there first. I believe it is who has the most friends around to hold their hands at times like this.

Thank you for being my friend. Remember we all are family.