Life is Too Short for This

He told me I was worthless.  I knew I was pretty together and he was a troubled person. I tried to speak to him. He was silent.

He told me dinner stank. I knew I was a pretty good cook and it was very edible. I asked him what he would have preferred. He was silent.

He told me he was going to divorce me. I told him I was pretty tired of him throwing that one out in the air and he was not to bother to say it again. Just to act on it if he truly felt that way. He did nothing.

He told me I was repulsive. I knew my added five pounds was not great, but better than his added 20. I told him he didn’t look so good himself. He yelled more.

We went on a belated honeymoon. I bought a new negligee, hoping for a new beginning. I asked him if he would like to take a walk on the deserted beach in the moonlight. He raped me.

The next night when he made his moves I told him I wanted him to make love to me. He hit me.  It was the first time and I swore to myself it had to be the last.

I threw on some clothes and left the room, sitting on the beach 30 feet in front of our room for 3 hours. He never came out. He was snoring when I finally went back in. The next morning I told him we needed help. He said he was fine. That I was the problem.

I was 23-years-old and I knew I deserved better than this.  But I was stuck in a place still trying to “fix” it.  And on it went, for another few weeks, until I finally had the strength to call a friend to come get me and told him to leave the house so I could pack. He grinned, grabbing the car keys and headed out.

He was not happy when I filed for a divorce.  I had nightmares for months.

Now, I hear that this football player beat his fiancee unconscious, dragged her out of the elevator and has just been kicked out of the NFL. Supposedly he is in counseling since this is his first offense (that is known). I wonder if the woman, who married him after this attack, is also in counseling.

I have several friends who are in marriages where they are emotionally abused and sometimes physically threatened by their spouses. They stay in the marriages for a number of reasons that usually include the needs of the children as well as the financial dependence on that spouse.

Life is too short for living that way. We try to get to know the other and yet many people never develop the ability to truly talk, to share happy or sad, with their partner. We mistake lust for love and then we hide behind silences and forced smiles, trying to put on a facade to fool others.

No one is fooled. Your kids are not fooled. Your friends are not fooled.

They are confused.

 

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Passages

A couple of my friends lost a parent in the last week. As my peers age, it is a normal part of life to face the illness and care of aging parents and their inevitable final passage.

With losing a husband to brain cancer after a ten year battle, I have had some experience to be able to offer a few words of what worked for me. Perhaps it might for you.

Be a realist

•  Try to understand the cause of the illness. If you are reading this, you have access to the Internet and there are countless websites that can provide explanations that you probably can understand.  Do some reading in order to ask the doctors good questions.  Not knowing causes more stress than you need.
• Fight (yes FIGHT) for good follow-up care, whether it is physical therapy or a home health aide.  Do not accept a guilt trip from anyone that you should be able to provide all care.  Even if you are a trained nurse, you are not able to be on the job 24/7.
• Understand when things start to slide downhill that at some time, death will occur.  Trying to ignore it won’t make it not happen. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused that. The body gets awfully tired of the pain, the inability to take proper nutrition, the confusion. Recognize that this is not about what you are going to be losing, but making the time the best goodbye you can.

Be prepared

•  Doctors have a tendency to refer the patient to hospice very close to the end. This is a horrible disservice not only to the ill loved one but to you. I guess the doctors think it mean admitting failure, but being realistic about the illness and the probably outcome will enable you to persuade for earlier admission. Hospice is a wonderful helpful system set up to care for the ill person in their own home or perhaps in a residence. They provide palliative care, keeping that person comfortable and always acting with high respect. They also help YOU with the emotional turmoil as well as practical issues that are part of this stage of life. Hospice will typically enroll a patient if the doctor indicates end of life will occur within 6 months. That’s a wonderful amount of caring that can be extended if the loved one lingers on.
• Use this time to make pre-arrangements so there is no need for intense decision making when the person passes. In fact, before your loved one gets so ill, it might help you to understand if there is anything s/he prefers. Many people can’t talk about death easily. Let me assure you, talking about it does not make it happen sooner.

Keep grounded

• If you have a spiritual connection, relax in it, even if only a moment here and there during the day. As one wise woman said to me when I asked if there were special prayers, “Don’t worry about the words. He knows all the words.” Take some time to complain, to cry, to be angry. It is okay. It is normal.
• If you have some friends, now is the time to call on that friendship.  Not everyday. Not for long hours. But ask for one to bring a home cooked meal, do a run to the grocery store for you, sit with you and have a glass of wine and a hug. If any friends are very special, ask for a relief hour so you can go get a haircut or gas up the car or just drive over to the park to watch the sun set. If you are used to doing for others, it may be hard to ask for help. Don’t be concerned; the time will come later on to help others again. Now it’s time to let others love you.
• Take care of yourself. If you are not eating well and not getting enough sleep, you too will get sick. Your immune system is already being attacked because of the stress. This is the time you need to love yourself a bit more.

You know the final day will come. We just don’t know when. Trying to move from a position of pending loss to one of making it the best goodbye you can will give you more peace than you can ever imagine. Hugs.

 

The Life of a Pet….Owner

My pet ownership attitude falls between those who believe their animals belong outside and those who believe they belong in their bed.  I’m allergic, so there is no way I have ever encouraged them to sleep in my bed. Not saying it hasn’t happened, but not while I am at home/awake/unaware that the husband needs to be trained better to shut the bedroom door.

I tested positive to being allergic to dogs when I was 5 years old and supposedly informed my parents if the dog left, so would I. I have almost always had a dog since, sometimes two.

I got my boxer Shelby soon after I moved from Nashville to Memphis in 1978. During that move I had herniated a disc and what with the pain and the puppy’s increasing size, I flew her to my mom in New Jersey for a few months. Mom had a marvelous way with dogs, training hers to be very obedient, knowing the boundaries of the property without straying, and they could do marvelous tricks including multiplication and division. (Although one of our dogs when I was young had such a high toned bark we kept her answers to 5 and under to keep our ears comfortable.)  Shelby flew back to me some months later, wonderfully compliant in all I needed and also very happy to be back with the more relaxed house rules.

That dog sat in the front seat of my car with me. When I got married, she moved to the back seat, and as the babies arrived, she moved to the back-back of the hatchback, always with us, always happy. But she lost status…..she was the dog.

The time inevitably came that she aged and started having problems.  She was unwilling to eat until we enticed her with all the loved forbidden foods: ice cream and bacon. She got some energy back but then, on Christmas Eve had a seizure. We took her to the emergency clinic and they did some tests. The news was not good. It was either this or that, wouldn’t know without exploratory surgery and no, there was no treatment nor cure whichever it turned out to be.   I made a difficult decision and petted her while they gave the injection. The song that was playing on the sound system, Against All Odds, will forever remind me of loss.

We added another dog to the family about a year later, an Australian shepherd and that dog was so amazing, we also bought a male and they had one litter. What happened next was also a hard decision. After Dave was diagnosed with a brain tumor and then had the equivalent of a stroke on the operating table, he had trouble walking. The dogs were then outside in the fenced yard for the day, coming in for the night. It was not my idea of how their lives should be so I was happy when my older kids’ grandparents in Maryland said they would take them. We made the transfer and at least I knew the dogs still were with their children.

But meanwhile, Sam was growing up and I perceived he needed a pet. Since I believed a puppy would cause problems getting in Dave’s way, we decided on a cat. My first cat.

Now, I tried to persuade the 5-year-old that we needed to adopt an adult cat, the better to see her personality, but oh no, it had to be a kitten. We played with all the kittens at the Nashville Humane Society and took home the one who seemed to be the most playful. It was a sham. She was, after all, a cat.

About five years ago, having added two more puppies to our household, my allergies took a turn for the worst. Maybe the air in West Virginia is just that much dirtier, maybe menopause’s chemical changes in my body made the allergies worse, but I just couldn’t breathe.  Both my sinuses and my lungs were being assaulted in a horrible way. A friend helped me look at the solution I had not even conceptualized: the animals had to go if I expected not to be sick all the time.  The dogs, being young, were not difficult to place but boy oh boy did I hear how I was abandoning them, kicking out of what I had promised would be a forever home from some of my most radical pet loving friends. The fact I was sick because of them was meaningless. Just take an antihistamine was their answer. It HAD been that easy all my life, but this was new territory in allergy response. I HAD to eliminate the allergens I could in my environment.

The cat was another issue, though. She was, simply, difficult. She put up with the dogs but would attack any other cats. She was about 9 years old then and older cats just don’t adopt out easily.  So, we kept her. She’s 14 now. She will live to 105 to spite me. She’s a cat.

Here in Oregon my new allergy treatment plan is bringing great results but I recently had a setback, perhaps related to the harvesting of the grass seed in the area. The cat has been banished from the bedroom all along. Early this week I completely emptied my office, vacuumed and shampooed the carpet and now she is banned from that space as well. Today I (yes, the woman who wrote she is not a cleaning diva yesterday) removed the area rug in the living room to the back deck, vacuumed bottom and top sides and shampooed it. Then swept and scrubbed the wood laminate floor. Hopefully the cat dander was captured along with the dust bunnies.

For the moment.

Not a Cleaning Diva

My mom had us clean house every Friday afternoon. No exceptions. No time off for early cleaning permitted. The house MUST be clean for Shabbat. 

Before they left for college, my older sisters and I generally divided up the chores the same way weekly. I dusted (which meant EVERYTHING came off every shelf and we had a LOT of books and things we collected on all our travels) and cleaned the two bathrooms. One sister vacuumed the upstairs, the other vacuumed the downstairs. I don’t remember us having kitchen cleaning chores….probably because Mom had us clean it every day.

My sisters got into the cleaning habit. I didn’t. Oh, I keep my house clean enough, picked up enough. No one is going to get ill joining us for dinner or anything. But pristine?  Eat off the floor? Forget about that!

So, for some reason this morning, I decided to clean the refrigerator. Got the music going (if I can complete the job in one CD I win.) First the freezer. Threw out some ice-encrusted freezer burned somethings. Started a huge pot of chicken pieces simmering to make stock. Actually discovered some mostly eaten homemade chocolate ice cream, too old to keep. If nothing else made me sad at the waste, that did.

The frig itself got some order overhaul as well. Salad dressings are now together. Beverages ditto. Produce in the drawers and not just indiscriminately tossed on the other shelves. 

My sisters better come visit RIGHT NOW because the frig won’t stay looking like this after a few hours!

 

Our Kids Are in Trouble

There are a number of reports that indicate that we Baby Boomers are the last generation that will have an improved lifestyle than our parents. We had better incomes, lived healthier lives, basically had a better standard of living.

Back when we Baby Boomers were kids most of our dads left for work each morning and Mom was home. In elementary school I walked home for lunch and it was only when I was bussed into town for school and ate lunch there that my mom got a job.  At that time my dad’s income was more than adequate; mom’s income provided some extras.   They were able to help us pay for college and also were able to travel. My father worked for the same company his entire working life and had a benefits package that rarely exists today. For example, he  had lifetime health insurance, and my mom also did, even after my dad died.

There have been a lot of changes in the American lifestyle since then. Many conservatives decry that women should return to the traditional role of staying at home. If we want to assume that marriage will be a lifetime commitment and that all women are happy in that role, great, but let’s examine a few realities that make that difficult.

INCOME                                                                                                                                                                                                                          I remember hearing in the early 1970s that the Cost of Living Index was initiated to help us understand changes over time. In 1978, several years out of college, I got a job working as a planner for an engineering/planning firm. I was paid $12,000 a year, had a car note of $97 a month for my Chevy Chevette (new price was $3600) and I also paid $350 a month for my 100% mortgage on a 2 bedroom-1.5 bath condo that had a sale price of $29,900. I managed to pay it all, my utilities, my insurance, my food. It was tight, but it was doable.

I quit my last 9-5 job when my boss refused to give me a raise to a fair salary. I had accepted a lower starting salary since the business was a start-up with the assurance that there would be bonuses and/or a raise when it was functioning well. Two years later, when it was making a steady profit he countered my request with 50 cents an hour. I was making $25,000.  When you use the Cost of Living index, the $12,000 I earned in 1978 would require a comparable salary of $41,000 at the time I asked my boss for a raise in 2011.

EDUCATION                                                                                                                                                                                                            When I entered 6th grade my mother took a job with Rutgers, New Jersey’s state university and part of her benefits package included free tuition for her children. I was able to attend college and paid for my room and board from summer jobs, part time jobs during the school year and by becoming a residence hall adviser.  Their out of pocket contribution to my college expenses was my allowance which was the same as high school, $25 a month.   My total college cost from 1972-1976 was about $4,000. I am very proud I paid for it.

My youngest son Sam is now attending the University of Vermont. His costs run about $50,000 a year.  If the cost of living index was applied, that current 4-year school cost would be just under $17,000. Obviously, the cost of education has increased more than the cost of living. This makes it all but impossible to pay for without some assistance. Congress has raised the percentage on school loans and many people who graduated 5-10 years ago have calculated it will take over 30 years to pay off the accumulating debtload.

FOOD  Some time in the mid 1990s advances in science permitted gene splicing in such a way that our foods changed. With the advent of genetic engineering, a gene from one kind of life form could be put into another to help it withstand some problem. This looked like an amazing answer to a concern people had about feeding the increasing population around the world.

Overseas, where farming with these new seeds permit and require the use of more and more herbicides, many farmers are becoming ill and dying. Here in the United States we have more people today with gastro-intestinal issues, diabetes, food sensitivities and allergies than ever before.  Some people argue that diagnosis is better. Some people find that when they cut out preservatives, artificial colors and additives, and start eating whole foods instead of nuking frozen prepared dishes, the health issues improve.

HEALTH The availability of inexpensive food in the United States is tied directly to the subsidies that we, the American taxpayers, give to major producers of corn, soy, canola among others. This program permits the farmers to accept a price that might not truly cover production costs and gets passed on to consumers with lower prices for processed foods using those ingredients. Corn, for example, is in many foods as a direct ingredient or as corn syrup or corn starch.

Many consumers find it difficult to feed themselves and their families without taking advantage of these subsidized foods, so many American diets are high in these ingredients which do not provide healthy nutrition. Add a more sedentary lifestyle in front of computers or game playing, and you have a population that is overweight. The Center for Disease Control reports that over 69% of the American population is overweight or obese. The CDC says this is our largest challenge as the unhealthy lifestyle so many of us chose is going to be the cause of our deaths. The sad thing is that about 12% of our children are also obese. They are not going to live as long. Their health is going to be troubled at a much earlier age. Their health care costs are going to be high.

We have a broken system. Our children are in trouble.

 

 

 

 

 

New Americans

About 25 years ago my family was one of two which helped a new immigrant family get settled into their new life in Connecticut. Jane and Igor, along with their daughter and his parents, were Russian Jews who seized the golden ticket to the United States when Russia, after the collapse of the Soviet Union,  decided to try to encourage its Jewish population to emigrate.  Israel and the US were the major players in receiving these people, who often had had no exposure to the religion.

Jewish communities around the country worked to help these newcomers get settled. Apartments were located, furniture and furnishings were donated. We were asked to contribute about $100 and were given a list of toiletries to purchase and place in the apartment. The other family bought some food staples.

Over the next year we worked together to tag team so we would remain in steady contact without overwhelming them. Over the months they started to show us places they had discovered in our own town. That was when we realized the system worked.  “Adopting” an immigrant family was a way to help them get settled without a huge burden on any one of us or society overall.

Igor and Jane both got jobs as computer programmers within 6 months of their arrival, accepting positions below the level they had last worked in Russia but soon were making progress as their English skills improved. The young girl went to elementary school and within a few years had no trace of a Russian accent. The older parents were retired, slow to learn English, but made efforts to participate in activities at the Jewish Community Center and received a small monthly stipend that was part of the government’s immigration program for this group.

I remember an early discussion with Jane. I realized no one had discussed birth control and we knew that in Russia, abortion was used pretty regularly as a way to deal with an unplanned pregnancy. Jane’s English was pretty good but she did not have the vocabulary that you can imagine would be used in this kind of discussion. It went somewhat like  this:

Me: Jane, I was thinking that you and Igor might want an American baby.

Jane: (turning red) Oh yes, but not right now.

Me: You know how not to have a baby right now? (handing her a Planned Parenthood pamphlet)

Jane: I will read this with Igor!

A couple years later, when I moved from Connecticut to Tennessee, the family had purchased a home and Jane was expecting their American baby.  In time they received their American citizenship and were active members of their community.

~~~~~~~~

Today we are amazed and horrified at the number of children who are coming over our southern borders. The United States has always been a magnet for people all over the world who want a better place. While many people here are stuck in economic stress, the tolerance for these illegals is low.

The contrast between the organization that helped the Russian immigrants get settled and the current system is dramatic. Surely we can develop a better system.

My Father’s Daughter

When I was pretty young I was aware of the Cold War, the nervous state of tension between the United States and the Soviet Union, because my dad was involved with the Civil Defense.

 

When I was a bit older, he was involved with the Civil Rights movement. We lived in a post WWII subdivision that had some unspoken rule about not selling to anyone of color. And there was my dad, hosting meetings in our dining room to the chagrin of our neighbors.

This photo was taken by my father on one of our many family trips. This one, in the South in the early 1960s.

Dad also helped push a new high school into being in our town and was the camp committee chair for the local Girl Scout council. If his wife and three daughters were involved, then by gosh, so would he be.

And so, my dad set the tone for service, community involvement and taking a stand on an issue when it is morally right even when it is against the standards of the community at the time.

So today we heard that the Supreme Court once again took the position that a corporation has more rights than its employees. You notice I did not say “female” employees. See, I believe since it takes two to tango, I think the men have been ducking their share of the responsibility for millennia and that is just a bit too long.

We are horrified seeing  fundamentalist Muslims impose Sharia law and yet do not recognize our own double standards.   Young girls are bombarded with ads for make-up and learning alluring posturing and then blamed for being provocative and now we have rape statistics on college campuses and in the military that are ridiculously swept into hiding with the victims being shamed for their role.  We parents have not taught our boys self control and respect.

We are sexual beings. We are animals with hormones that cause physical reactions in our bodies. We have men who take viagra or testosterone hormone therapy because the aging process naturally reduces their physical performance.  So men want to play, and, as always, women have to pay. It is our bodies who also go through multiple hormonal changes during our lives.  We women are not yet equal citizens but we carry more than 50% of the workload in this country.

What would happen if there was one day of solidarity and all women were on strike? I imagine we might get some attention? I also imagine some women would be beaten and some men would think that was justified.

 

Time Off

Thanks to my sister Laura giving me a special gift to celebrate 60 years, Graham and I enjoyed a brunch cruise on the Willamette River in Portland.We’d been on a dinner cruise a few years ago on the Ohio River out of Huntington, West Virginia with our friends Deb and Milt Hankins, so I sort of expected something similar.

Not being super familiar with Portland yet we drove in early to give ourselves plenty of time to find parking (2 blocks away for $5)  and maneuver around the Rose Festival which had the riverfront area blocked off for concerts and rides and other fun fair activities.

We made it to the dock in time to chat with the captain who, while chomping down a commercial donut, told us how terrific the food is. (And it was pretty good!)  Missed that donut photo for you, though!

The cruise headed upriver, which is south from downtown Portland. The gray overcast cleared and we ended up with beautiful blue skies.  Activity on the river shows how much people enjoy having this playground. 

Development along a riverfront can tell you something about the way a City considered its access to a natural resource. While we did see one industrial business, it is only fair to tell you that most of the commercial and industrial development in Portland is along the Columbia River, not the Willamette.This has left the shorelines free for recreational and residential development for much of what we passed.

OMSI (Science Museum) includes a submarine built after WWII

I particularly enjoyed the floating houses.

And of course there were plenty of mansions.

As we returned downstream the number of bridges became apparent, from the aged Sellwood Bridge which is past time getting replaced

All bridges are given a safety rating from 1 to 100. The Sellwood Bridge rating is a 2. Would you drive across it?

to the new Portland-Milwaukie light rail bridge which will provide a river crossing for mass transit, bicycles and pedestrians, but not automobiles.

We caused one lift bridge to disrupt traffic,but turned back south(upriver) before the next one.

Both Graham and I noticed some downtown construction features-a rooftop tree planted plaza and solar arrays over one roof.  There are a lot of things about Portland that are truly admirable! The respect for the natural resource of the Willamette River that flows through the City is one great example.

 

Out of This World

When we mention to people here that we moved in September from West Virginia the typical next question is why? Why did we move clear across the country to McMinnville, Oregon. Graham usually makes some kind of comment that he heard there was a winery nearby. (We now live in the middle of one of the amazing wine producing areas with over 100 wineries within 15 miles of our house.)

I did a lot of research before we decided on McMinnville.  One thing that really excited me was the availability of a lot of local food. In the seven months we have been here we have established direct relationships with farms for our proteins and produce. There is a farmers market ready to open for the season this week,  a year round farmers market and also a service that delivers farm fresh food to your door.  

Additionally, the downtown business district is vibrant. It wasn’t always that way, though.  However, since the McMinnville Downtown Association formed in the late 1980s the street’s appearance has improved with trees, lighting and sitting areas, the stores are all occupied and there is a lot of business. 

The Downtown Association sponsors a number of events that entice tourists. This weekend was the UFO Festival, held annually to commemorate the sighting of a flying saucer by a local farmer in 1950. It is an affair with lectures ranging from ufology to  astrophysics, but much of the attendance revolves around the parade.

My three, of which I am very proud. LOL

Yesterday, after Lisa made sure we were all dressed in some kind of costume, we headed downtown for the 1 mile Abduction Race.

This was the last obstacle before the finish line

Sam expected to win and was in a good position but a middle schooler  was in front the whole way and he decided to let him come in first. He remembers well how that feels and knew his need to win was not as important.  Lisa was well behind in the pack but finished despite an asthma attack.  Her costume had people talking as they thought at first she was naked. She had had her gold unitard painted when we first got there.

But her costume was mild compared to most.  We had been told EVERYONE wears a costume but it became obvious that actually most people wore regular clothes. There seemed to be three levels of costume wearers: people who purchased something at the event to add a touch of alien whimsy;

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~people like us who put together something fun, even if it was not alien-related;

and people who spent a lot of time and/or money on alien attire.

The parade lasted over an hour with bands and floats and lots of  groups. Anyone in alien costume could join in. What fun!!

This girl was part of a TaeKwondo group

Pet parade was held later in the day.

Faces of India

Take a look at the people of India……their faces, their pride…their lives.

Street food vendor in Agra market

 

Volunteer in Delhi Sikh Temple kitchen preparing food for 1100 people a day

School girls leaving Ghandi shrine in Delhi

 

Snake charmer in Amber Fort in Jaipur

 

Little girl who started following us in Jaipur

Craftsman in Agra inserting semi-precious stones into marble

School boys, courtesy of Nancy Leung

 

Sikhs at Temple in Delhi

Doorman, courtesy of Nancy Leung

Jaipur woman, courtesy of Nancy Leung

Receiving the blessing, courtesy of Nancy Leung

Guard at Unknown Soldier, India Gate, Delhi

kids on a team, courtesy of Nancy Leung

Shop by the road, courtesy of Nancy Leung

Street food vendor, courtesy of Nancy Leung

On a motorcycle, courtesy of Nancy Leung

Climbing up, courtesy of Nancy Leung (I think this is the winner of the being ready at the right time prize!!)

Wedding guests, courtesy of Nancy Leung

Groom, courtesy of Nancy Leung

Little girl, courtesy of Nancy Leung

Sweeper, Amber Palace

Roadside hangout, courtesy of Nancy Leung

Philosophical discussion, Sikh Temple, Delhi

Mother and son at wedding

Nancy Leung and her husband Richard on an elephant at Amber Fort, Jaiput

With special thanks to Nancy Leung who was on the SmarTours trip with her husband Michael. Her superior camera and eye captured many of the shots here and as noted in other places in my blog.  After spending hours editing, she graciously shared them with all of us, to use as we would like.