Okay, thank you. I was offered lots of quiet hugs after the prior post….offers to listen to the issue. And I still do not feel ready to discuss it but it is time to tell you. It will, I think, take a long time to find the grace to forgive myself.
So much displeasure surrounds us. We have lost tolerance for people that get in our way or don’t agree with us or someone causes us to not do what we want when we want it. Or just disagrees so it turns to anger. One very caring person, when she managed to get out of me that I had had an automobile accident started raging about crazy drivers and even said she wished she had a gun to shoot people who make her so angry! What makes her so angry? Someone who pushes in and does not merge nicely! This person is very dear to me and it horrifies me that someone that close can be thinking her lack of calm should result in someone being shot?
What is wrong with us? What have we turned into? Why have we lost the ability to control our emotions? Why do so many of us go so easily into rages?
So, I will spill the beans because this kind of anger to others is sick and needs to stop.
I was the cause of an accident yesterday. Oh, I have been in accidents before. I even caused one as a very new driver, totaling my parents’ van. But as expensive as that was, it was just property damage. Everyone was okay.
I’ve even been in an accident that I did not cause where I was hurt. I probably had a concussion. And no one seemed to care so I tried to ignore it too.
But this time, I hurt a person. They took her to the hospital and the EMT assured me she was not hurt badly, but that is the only grace I can hold on to. Because I care. About her.
Sure, my insurance is going to go up. And yes, we have some minor damage to our car. But that consequence of an accident is normal.
But hurting another person is horrible.
So, my angel that appeared….he happens to be a guy I met at this new church we are attending. He sits in front of me with his family and from the first day I showed up there he has chatted and shared and been very friendly. Yesterday, he hugged me and held my hand and kept me grounded. Last night he showed up in the class on Jewish Roots I am holding as a Lenten seminar and only at the end after everyone else had left, respecting my need to be private about working this out, he quietly asked me how I was doing. And I know he will ask again and again as the weeks go on. Because he also cares about people. He feels. He knows.
I was holding it together okay today until it got later n the day. When it got dark, my mood also went darker. One more person who is very close pushed a bit hard to find out what happened and kept on pushing so I finally emailed a terse explanation. And then she was quiet. For a while. Probably because she also felt the horror. When she finally wrote back I chose not to answer but she will read this and I hope she understands I still am not ready to discuss it but I decided it might be easier if you all know.
We really need to check out our reactions when we lose our cool and want to strike out and hurt someone. Think about it people. This life is not about who gets there first. I believe it is who has the most friends around to hold their hands at times like this.
Thank you for being my friend. Remember we all are family.