It really is up to each one of us. We get the government we help put into office.
If we sit back and just armchair quarterback and never take action, we then get the government others helped put into office.
Simple as that.
So, it is hard emotionally to ask people to think, especially now when so much is hitting us that is uncomfortable. How many people are medicating more now than ever before to try to dull down the input? Unfortunately, it also dulls your thinking process and may make you sluggish. Apathy has long been with us but ennui has now raised its head as well.
Our McMinnville city and Yamhill county races are nonpartisan which means it really does not matter what party affiliation a candidate has. They are SUPPOSED TO represent all of us. Decisions are supposed to be what is good for the area, for the region, nor for one set of constituents.
In order to maintain that attitude, we need people to stand up and participate.
And that means more than voting, although when our system is so easy, it is hard to understand why our voting is often lower than expected. Apathy again.
But true participation needs a bit more of your energy. Sign petitions to help candidates enter the races. If you are tired of seeing old white men, realize that others are trying to join in and participate…help them by signing petition so our elections are meaningful by supporting that all people can be candidates.
Yesterday I realized that I have not written anything on this blog for about a month. Just now “what” to write hit me, thanks to a conversation on Facebook. No, for a change, this will NOT be about politics.
It is about my new life as a pothead. Well, actually not quite a pothead. One of my Oregon friends thinks I may be the only cannabis user in Oregon who is not driving under the influence. This may (does) have its pleasurable effects, but this is not a recreational activity for me.
I was a senior in high school when someone close to me (who will remain nameless and blameless) introduced me to weed. That definitely was recreational.
In college the drug of choice was booze and that was illegal enough thank you. But I was an RA and would knock on the doors of the rooms where smoking was obviously happening and instruct them on how to use a wet towel. That was definitely pro-user activity.
In the late 1970s I lived in a city in the South and a friend invited me to his family’s home to watch Superman when it was first shown in HBO. He lit up a joint and offered it to me. I enjoyed the show and I don’t remember if I was uncomfortable driving home after, but since there is no memory about it, it must have been fine.
In the mid 1980s a friend and I went on a weekend getaway to her family’s vacation home in New England without any husbands or kids. Another friend handed me a small gift, as it was my birthday and told me to open it when we got to our destination. Inside a Sucrets lozenge box, several joints. It was a chocolate weekend.
That is not all, but the jist of my prior life with pot. Not regular at all. Never enjoyed when responsible sobriety was needed. Definitely recreational.
Since then I heard sometimes that people with cancer smoked marijuana and it helped. It helped with nausea was one thing and when we were dealing with nausea from chemo issues in the 1990s, the meds the doctor gave took care of it, so no need to search out the underground market…probably available next door, right?
And then we moved to Oregon and they already had medicinal cannabis. The dispensaries were established and things were regulated. The referendum for recreational use passed with 56% of the votes. I suspect there were as many “yes” votes among the Baby Boomers as there were in the Millenials.
The legal requirements for legal grow operations, laboratories for testing, kitchens for preparing edibles, and shops for selling had to be worked out, so it took over a year after the law was passed before the recreational shops were open.
Today, some shops sell only recreational pot. Some sell only to people who have medical cannabis cards. Some sell both rec and medical. The medical side has different recordkeeping to meet the legal requirements of that early law. I prefer to go to a dispensary that sells both as I am, at this point in my life, using the cannabis to help a medical condition.
I have not asked my doctor for a medical card. It is at least a 3-step process including an appointment with another doctor and can cost $800 altogether for people like me (not a veteran, on disability and elderly-I’m too young. LOL). The benefit: no sales tax. In Oregon we do not have a sales tax……except on recreational marijuana. (It probably was THIS benefit to the state financial coffers that convinced the “weed is evil” side to vote yes. After all, they can enjoy thinking the stoners are paying for their sin.) Since I do not use a lot of pot over the year a card would be valid, I did not think the little bit of additional in tax would offset the fees.
So when I realized the last bit of cannabutter was used up, it was time to go purchase something. Asking three different friends which dispensary they preferred gave me three places to check out. (There are about 8 within 10 miles, but only 1 state-run liquor store. The dispensaries were not really busy while that liquor store is always crowded.)
Anyone my age who purchased weed in the 70s and early 80s purchased a sandwich bag (ounce) for $10. The pot in late 1970 was $40 for the baggie and was a strain known as Acapulco Gold. The baggies had leaf, stems, some seeds generally.
Now you can buy seeds, you can buy bud, sometimes you can buy leaf (shake), you can buy pre-rolls. You can buy extract, you can buy creams and salves. You can buy candy. You can buy infused products like tea or oil. The bud is the most popular. The strains sell for about $200-400 an ounce (that sandwich baggie) so most people buy a few grams, sort of like heading to the store for a 6-pack.
Me, I bought half an ounce. I prepared the canna butter yesterday and the gingered pear bars are out of the oven now, aroma wafting through the house.
Why do I turn to cannabis? Two reasons.
Simply, I am in pain almost all the time now. My stupid ski accident at age 19 was exacerbated by the bacterial meningitis I worked through about 15 years ago. The pain in the knee started the next year and the doctor assured me it was “only” arthritis. For years advil was my help. Then I switched to glucosamine in all its combinations. When we moved here almost 4 years ago, I started getting acupuncture and that helped me be pain-free for 10 days. But last June I twisted my knee and have minor meniscus and ACL involvement. Two docs say it is “only” arthritis. But a year later, I am not back to where I was before the knee twist and now having sympathetic pain on my other leg because of my screwed up gait. Again, if you are about my age, you may be feeling some joints now too. I hope not.
Second, my asthma. I have been concerned with the Congressional shenanigans. I promised it will NOT be a political rant, but I feel I’ve been on the “am I going to die because I can’t afford medical insurance” roller coaster. My two medications that help me breathe cost $1000 a month out of pocket. Simply can’t do that. Can’t afford it. And THEN I started hearing how inhaling pot helps asthma. That’s insane! People with lung disease like asthma can not smoke!! That’s why I make edibles! Smoke pot to help me breathe? Yes, it dilates the bronchi; in fact I read a medical research extract dumbed down for non-medical readers that said it was the THC specifically that helps the deeper sections of lung also dilate.
Being Oregon, I got into a short discussion about pot at the UFO Festival in May. The guy handed me a joint telling me it will help. (Yes, I love Oregon) Over 3 days I tested the concept and yes, within a short time I could draw a deep breath without any “pulling” tightness. The next morning, still good.
Then my friends stepped in with their recommendations. One vapes. One gave me a bong. Decision made.
So, why did I write this? Because medical marijuana is available in 29 states, while recreational pot can be (or will be able to be once they get it set up) in 8 states. And, of course, your neighbor still buys his from his coworker’s cousin, just like he always has. In other words, marijuana is around you.
And yes, there are people smoking to get high or stoned. Just like there are people getting drunk or pissed on booze. And just as others seek their escape in street drugs.
But there are more people of all ages using the beneficial aspects of cannabis for a medical reason.
I was doing busy work prepping some veggies for the dehydrator and was musing about my visit today to the new farm where some friends just moved. They are starting their new adventure and are excited about what they can achieve. They have a lot of work in front of them and they have the skills to tackle what needs to be done. I am so happy for them.
I also am humbled by my own lack of knowledge and ability to do what they plan to do. It made me realize that I am very fortunate that I have friends with diverse skill sets. Because I am enriched by those friendships.
I am so very glad I have many friends who are farmers or growers or fishers or hunters or gatherers. They know how to bring food home.
I am so glad I have many friends who are chefs and excellent cooks and others who love to build those skills. They know how to make us food to eat.
I am so glad I have many friends who are healers, either nurses or doctors or acupuncturists or chiropractors or therapists or physical therapists or massage therapists or reiki masters. They know how to help us be healthier.
I am so glad I have many friends who are teachers, either with children or adults, or group leaders, or others who share skills and abilities and are willing and able to share them to teach us to learn.
I am so glad I have many friends who have religious training either as ministers or rabbis or lay leaders or spirit sharers or truth seekers. They show there are many pathways to finding the message.
I am so glad I have many friends around the world of various nationalities. They share their pride of heritage and place and expand my world.
I am so glad I have many friends with sexual identities that differ from mine. They show me there are many ways to love.
I am so glad I have many friends.
My world is better than if everyone in my life was a cookie cutter, all from the place where I was born, all with the same education, the same religion, the same health, the same lifestyle. The diversity I see surrounding me reminds me we each are the star of our movie; we each are striving to make our life good. And the more we reach out to include people with differences, the better our own movie becomes.
Thank you for being part of making my life good….and then better.
Like many others I was hoping, but not expecting, the Electoral College to act in an unprecedented but authorized way to negate the Trump presidency. Had that happened, however, it would have opened other doors of unknown outcome, so maybe this is the best way.
This way, we can hold the incoming President to his Constitutional duties and responsibilities. We do have guidelines for that and will know when he inappropriately strays. I expect he will stray, as his prior comments indicate he is not clear on much of what is ahead of him.
Meanwhile, enough angst. Each of us either feels distress now or will soon. Each one of us. The efforts of a Republican Congress backed up by this President will mean we have big changes ahead. It is the anticipation of some of those changes that have people already upset. However, the rest will join the fray when program cuts begin to affect them. When campaign promises go by the wayside. When life does not get better for the many many people who expect the Federal government to fix things for them.
I have said often on my Facebook feed that I will stay vigilant and be as active as I can to help retain the rights won by all of us to give equal access and protection of the law to all our citizens. I will stay vigilant and be as active as I can to make sure the least of us continue to be helped regardless of any political stance. I will stay vigilant and be as active as I can to make a positive difference.
Back in 1970 when Earth Day was initiated I heard a slogan that resonated. “Think globally but act locally.” We know the earth has overwhelming issues, not only environmental but in every aspect of life.
We have a choice, each one of us.
We can ignore and carry on, dong what we do that may help or hinder any situation, self-centered and choosing to stay apart from the community of the world.
We can get stirred by all the need in the world and affected so deeply we can’t deal with it, so we freeze, stuck in despair.
We can opt to get involved in one or two issues that deeply resonate. We may send money or sign petitions or write letters or emails or even show up at our state capitol to join a protest.
We can chose to get active in our own communities, making our voice and action count where it will show a difference.
I’ve done each of these. Earlier in my life I was focused on my own young adulthood and all that involved including building a career and raising a family. I had a nodding relationship with a few issues but not much money and not much time, so not much involvement.
I’ve been on listservs that overwhelm me with need. It seems that I receive more than 20 a day with hands outstretched asking for $1, $5, $25 or more. It was with extreme pleasure that I unsubscribed from almost all recently.
I sign petitions and sometimes post them on Facebook urging others to take the minute to add their support. It seems to be the LEAST anyone can do.
Mostly, I am active here in my town. I have chosen three main areas and participate as much as I can. I do what I can, offer my skills to forward the mission of the group. I self impose a limit on what I feel I can do and ask for the group to respect that. (If the group doesn’t, as some have in the past, I moved my energy elsewhere.)
I hope by this example you can see how you might work through the coming years when so many of us feel what we have known about the United States of America will be changing. I plan to keep on keeping on. Joining with other like minded people empowers all of us.
Trump has a really well put together video out for his last ad spot. One part patriotic, flags waving, smiling faces one and all. Part hateful and bigoted.
No getting around that.
At this point we have 2 days until the polls close. I suppose no one’s mind is going to be changed. That’s not even the point of this effort.
If you know me, if you have read my blogs for a while, you know I have spoken often about the way I think Trump’s hateful speech to people about others different from them has encouraged a lot of emoted passionate hatred. Not quiet and contained by social mores; the disdain for being politically correct was never appreciated or desired. The crudeness gutter talk is entertainment…and titillating. How fun to be naughty…and then if everyone is naughty, is it normal?
NO. Not in any sense of the word. Psychologically. Politically. Culturally. Socially. Religiously.
Except for bigots. Extreme right wing skin heads, Aryan nation, KKK types. It’s their normal.
The rest of the people who seem to be enamored with Trump are, probably, okay people. I know some and love some. But I sure am confused.
Okay, you don’t like Mexicans. You believe they have stolen good American jobs. Here in Oregon many are professionals: lawyers, doctors, accountants, heads of companies. Others are in commerce with stores and restaurants. Others are in service industries, like landscaping, hairdressing, house cleaning. And the others….legal and illegal, they work in the fields, in the kitchens, on construction sites. If you feel one has a job that you want, please be realistic about your own experience and expertise. Don’t generalize about a group without facts that are verified or your own experience.
Okay, you don’t like Muslims. You believe they are all radical terrorists. You have been lead to believe they are perhaps sleeper agents. Do you personally know any, I mean work with and interact with daily in a responsible work environment or have invited one to your home for a meal? Does the concept of the white supremacist groups concern you? It should. There is more risk of a terrorist event in the USA by a homegrown group of white people than anyone from the Middle East or Pakistan.
Okay, you’re uncomfortable around handicapped people who are not young and cute. Even if they work and contribute to society. You can’t help it, their physical or mental situation irritates you? Sounds like time to find out why? Why irritation instead of a sense of compassion or even, more self-centered, a sense of appreciation for your own health?
Okay, you think women really should not be working in jobs like men. Even if a woman, you might not like carrying the kind of responsibility some of our sisters have gladly grown into and others have been forced to assume. Are we going to encourage a society that sounds totalitarian to me…one where someone’s future job is determined by their birth-the location of their birth, the income status of the family of birth, the visible genitalia at birth. When you restrict the learning capabilities of girls, when you limit the income earnings of women, you are as culpable as the most narrow minded third World male elder making a child marry a man two or three decades older.
Okay, you think newspaper reporters are crooked and the news is twisted. But you believe what you read in headlines and don’t bother to read the article. You don’t search the web for articles about the same subject from across the spectrum to pull out the truth. Yes, we are fed what “they” want us to know. But because of social media with an open internet, we have access to much more. If you agree the journalists need to be constrained, please realize that this Internet permitting you to read this is also protected by the First Amendment. All your arguments about “slippery slope” apply equality to all parts of the Constitution.
Finally, the Jews. You really don’t like them and you have good reason. They are all rich. Not. They are all smart. Not. They all are…what? You have read this because you like my writing and either enjoy it and agree or at times are aggravated because I bring up topics that nag at you. Like me or hate me but if you say it is because I am Jewish, you are a bigot.
Trump has appealed to the baseness in that he has called to the bottom and they have responded. And then, some of you generally above that have responded too. You’re not in good company, but you are known by your associates.
A warning to you. You’re next on the list.
And despite the fact that no one will come to take your guns (another way you have been played), your arsenal will not keep them out when they want in.
So much better for us to nip this in the bud, recognize we have healing to do, and start talking to each other.
One way people who consider themselves a friend of mine is to explain how you can join in the Antisemitism. I am taking that one personally.
And if you do happened to have any Latino, handicapped, female, LGBTQ or Jewish friends, they also are wondering how you REALLY feel.
We have a candidate for President of the United States of America which, despite some increasing dysfunction, is the voice of the free world. The President is a leader that the rest of the world watches, our allies and the ones that need careful handling. The President needs to be a person the nation and the world can respect.
So, this candidate has said that he can shoot someone on 5th Avenue in New York City and his followers would still love him. Love is blind.
This candidate has said he can not share his tax returns until the audit is over. The IRS says he can share them. He just says the same thing again. And his followers don’t care. Love is blind.
This candidate has said he believes the Department of Education can be mostly eliminated. He also has said he loves dumb people. His followers smile. Love is blind.
This candidate says that climate change is a hoax. That it is snowing so it must mean there is no global warming. (See above statement about loving dumb people.) That he would eliminate the Department of Environmental Protection. And his followers cheer. Love is blind.
This candidate says Hillary should have stopped Bill from his philandering. His followers ignore his own infidelities and think he is right. Love is blind.
This candidate says he will bring jobs back to America. No one questions why his own clothing line uses factories in Asia. At the first Presidential debate when asked how he would bring jobs back, he did not answer the question. He has no answer but his followers are not needing one. Love is blind.
This candidate says he is a great businessman which is hard to understand with countless business failures and a number of bankruptcies. More stories are coming out about how he did not pay subcontractors to the point of causing their businesses to fail. But his followers are not those people so they don’t care. Love is blind.
This candidate has made it very clear that women are valued by their shapely bodies and big boobs. He denigrates women who have pointed out how his behavior is inconsistent with his words on issues. He did not like how a moderator asked questions during a primary debate so he made a comment demeaning her because she is a woman and has hormones. And his followers, including women, do not react. One told me he didn’t mean it. Love is blind.
This candidate says there are people with good genes and only they should have children. This is only one of many statements he has made that indicate his admiration for Hitler. But his followers do not recognize themselves. Love is blind.
This candidate made behind closed door deals with Cuba during the United States embargo. He does not act as if laws apply to him. His followers find excuses to not care. Love is blind.
This candidate thinks there are changes needed to the Constitution, including ending the balance of power between the three areas of government. (See above note about Hitler.) But his followers know only the Second Amendment and nothing more about the Constitution so are not concerned. Love is blind.
This candidate says that more nations should have access to nuclear weapons. In a world with so much anger, allowing weapons of mass destruction in more hands is not a way to a peaceful existence. But his followers are silent. Love is blind.
And why is love so blind? Because of Killery, they say. Thanks Obama, they say.
These blind people are the ones who claim this is a Christian nation and there should be Ten Commandments in all courtrooms. Can they state them? Do they live by them?
And Jesus made it even simpler….bringing it down to TWO: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ And
‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’
These blind people need new glasses. And somehow, the ability to reason better.
I’m going to be 62 years old this year. I don’t feel old, most of the time anyway, but I know that I am on the downhill slide now. For anyone around my age, do you remember the TV show One Day At A Time? The mom, played by actress Bonnie Franklin, goes off for a quiet moment when her daughters have thrown her a birthday party. She looks in the mirror trying to cope. “Middle aged now”, she moans. She was turning 35.
So, here I am pondering my “retirement”. Those of you who know me or have been reading this blog for a while know I started a new business last summer and I am really excited about it. Can-Do Real Food captures the surplus produce from small farms nearby and preserves the fruit or veggies by canning. Local consumers are responding well and some of the farmers have completely sold out and I am conserving some in order to start the outdoor market in May.
So, I am working, but golly gee, I really am not, as most new businesses, making gobs of money. Any income I generate goes right back into the business so we can grow. That’s the way it is, because I certainly am not independently wealthy. So, realistically, we are living on my husband’s retirement and the income he produces as an adjunct professor at a nearby university teaching two courses a year.
I got to thinking about living on retirement income, since it is time for me to make a decision about my Social Security. Some of the Presidential candidates are declaring doom and gloom about the Social Security System. They like to use buzzwords to scare people, like Ponzi Scheme and delayed retirement age. In reality, people my age have nothing to worry about. We will get 100% of the benefits we have accrued through our many many many many many (many) years of working. Also in reality there are ways to improve the way the funds are secure so no one has to worry much.
But there is one other reality that needs attention. Social security does not provide ENOUGH to live on. Oh, if your income was higher than mine all your working life, your payout will be higher. It just won’t be anything like the amount you have gotten used to if you typically spent all you earned.
I’ve been hearing for at least 40 years that each person needs their own retirement account as well as social security. That was the reason why IRAs were introduced in the 1970s. But people are NOT saving. Very few people near retirement age have managed to save more than $50,000 in retirement assets.
So, we have a problem. We have Baby Boomers, the largest age cohort ever born in the US, in or approaching retirement. Some are living in homes purchased during their earning years but many are renters and some are even homeless. The proliferation of RV parks and pre-fab home construction all across the country point to the need for less expensive housing.
So how do older people manage? Many need public assistance. Some live with family and combine incomes. Some even move overseas where a monthly social security check can adequately provide for rent, utilities, food and a few other items, especially in a country where medical care is available and comparatively inexpensive. However, this move also results in isolation from family and funds might not extend to provide for visits back here to the US.
So, in comparison, my husband and I are okay. We’re still able to work and we’re doing things we love. Our energy is pretty good and we just take it slower on those other days. We have access to decent health care and we do as much a preventative lifestyle as we couch potatoes can. But we are not living the way we did when we had income flowing in from jobs. We have learned to cut back and be okay with less.
Now, you people in your 20s and 30s and 40s, it is time you check on YOUR retirement savings plan. You can not rely on Social Security the way the government is playing with it to fund wars. You will need to provide for your golden years. If you haven’t started, start. And talk to a good professional, or even meet with a few to find someone who can explain all those acronyms to you and will be patient and caring to help you get to a secure end zone phase of life.
It is conference season now….a very good thing for the winter as I spend the growing season in the kitchen and shuttling raw produce from and finished products back to the farms involved with my business, Can-Do Real Food.
Two weeks ago I attended the Northwest Food Processors’ convention in Portland with my husband Graham and my friend Jana. They have both been an integral part of providing their own expertise to this process and there are business cards being printed as I write this that names them as Vice Presidents of the business. That and $3.50 will get you a latte. LOL
Early this week I joined my daughter Lisa in San Francisco for the Fancy Food Show. Lisa is a promotional marketer and has been hired the past three years to work for a vendor. She suggested I attend last year but it was scheduled the same as the Portland event. So this year I got to go and saying OMG! is a dramatic understatement. Not only is it a visual and gastronomic orgy of delectable foods of all types, but the amount of expertise in those humongous rooms was vast. For the most part, if they were not chatting with someone who might mean business to them, just about everyone was very willing to spend 5, 10 or even 30 minutes talking with me, answering questions.
These are the goodies I brought home
For example, we have been working to produce a culinary syrup made from raspberries and lemongrass. The raspberries had been frozen…..no issue there. The lemongrass had been dried and while we got an amazing flavor, the clarity was not pretty. I chatted with about 5 vendors who produce lemongrass products and got a variety of suggestions…..and one worked superbly. Three cases of syrup processed this morning!
I met one vendor that I revisited twice more to make sure I let him know how much our interaction meant to me and to say goodbye. He did not have any food….basically he helps develop packaging and he said he will send me info but that was not our discussion, really. It started like this:
Me: Good morning.
Him: How are you?
Me: Fantastic…this is an amazing show!
Him: I am so happy!!!
We both cracked up. We sounded high and I guess we were. On the positivity that was around us. In the synergy that was flowing. The fact that we were in the middle of amazing food products and I, more than him, was slowly by surely, teaspoonful by teaspoonful, tasting my way figuratively around the world.
But what made this guy stand out is that is all the conversation was about. Choosing to live by finding and feeling the joy in life. When I asked what he does, he waved his hand a bit derisively saying, “pretty packages” .
She was young and it seemed he had always been in her life. Years before he had dated her older sister and although she had ended it, the mom saw the guy had a poor home life and so “adopted” him, telling him he would always have a place at their table. He came often, spending hours, bringing gifts, even to the little girl.
He was a war hero, a Green Beret. It was a time of divisiveness in the nation. The girl hated the war but she felt some pride that he took that challenge and faced something she could not even imagine. He showed her some shrapnel scars but told no stories.
The summer she was twenty he started making his moves. He kissed her in a way brothers don’t kiss sisters and it confused her. She was off for the summer on a job and he wrote often. She found she looked forward to his letters and when he suggested she come to where he was working for the summer instead of returning home, she agreed.
The first night he made her comfortable and did not touch her. The next day he made small moves and by that evening, she was prepped. Things progressed and when he finally drove her home, he declared he loved her. She responded, as her mother had taught her, to the words of promise.
She still had two years of college to complete, but she had been taking extra courses all along and by taking classes that next summer, she was ready to graduate a semester early. They got married and he whisked her away to his home, 1000 miles from her family. It was an adventure.
She got a good job following her graduation. She sometimes had to travel and used a company car, as she had none of her own. He would not let her use the car, often taking his motorcycle and leaving the car sitting in the driveway. She did not press for a key, as her mother had taught her that the man is the boss.
He’d come home angry. He hated his job. Each day, as her mother had taught her, she would try to be pleasant, to ease him out of his foul mood. Days later, weeks later, months later, she tried different tactics to reach him. When she tried to be more reflective, speaking calmly but clearly that his action was affecting her, he got angrier.
Each night, as her mother had taught her, she prepared for sex by inserting her diaphragm. Just about each night he would force his way into her unaroused body and she would send her mind somewhere else. She did have one niggling thought that if there had been any foreplay to get her aroused, maybe he would not take so long to climax.
He took her to a range to show her how to shoot a gun. He gave her his .357 magnum as the weapon to shoot. It was heavy but she aimed as he instructed and somehow hit the center of the target. She stopped there, handing the weapon back to him. For once she had the position of being the one causing confusion. It was clear he wanted to intimidate her. He never pulled the guns out again.
She discovered she had a breast lump during some rough sex. In the days before scans and needle biopsies she had a surgery scheduled and signed away her boob if the tumor was malignant. He told her not to come home if she was deformed. It was benign and he picked her up, making her wait a few hours for him to get her.
Finally, 15 months into the marriage, they took a belated honeymoon. She bought a new negligee and anticipated a walk on a secluded beach culminating in some reawakening of the passion he had claimed prior to the marriage. He refused to go for a walk on the beach, ripped the new gown to shreds and continued as always. The next night, when she plainly said she wanted some love making, he hit her.
Immediately her head cleared. Suddenly she knew she could no longer be the compliant wife, the good little girl there to please her man. In that one strike she realized that he could kill her.
It still took another month before she told him to leave the house and not come back for 3 hours. She had been sharing what was happening with a girlfriend who came to rescue her. She moved out that day, New Years Day 1977 and started to get her life back. She had nightmares for years, but over the years, she learned to rely on herself. That a man could be a good companion but was not the keeper of her life.
We have men in this country who believe that women are playthings, not people with equal rights. That there can be no rape in marriage, that the man should just take what he wants. Some of those man who speak that way hold public office and at least one is running for the Republican party nomination for President. He is highly popular and it confuses me that any woman could be in reality and prefer him.
Our daughters need to be taught that they are precious and deserve equal and fair treatment. Our sons needs to be taught that women must be respected and treated with love. They all need to be taught that lust is not love and that choosing a partner needs to be based on behavior and actions, not words.
A few years ago I took care of a 10-year-old while the mom worked Fridays through Mondays. So after school on Fridays and Mondays and during the weekend, the girl would spend time with us. She wanted to do what she did at home, park in front of the television all day. What we did was involve her in all the things we normally did including food shopping and meal preparation, sewing, some light cleaning, and other normal activities including going to church. We chatted at the dinner table and shared stories about things we had done that day.
We read together and played games and yes, we worked on homework also. She hated that. She was not used to being accountable for doing her work.
One day the mom was also with us as we went somewhere in the car. I was driving and I pointed to a road sign, one of those orangey-yellow ones that showed a curve coming up. I asked the girl if she knew why the sign was yellow.
Now this was the kind of question I had been throwing at my children since they were little to get them thinking, so I did not think it was particularly difficult.
Not only did the girl have no idea but neither did the mom. So I stepped them through the logic, asking the colors of the traffic lights and what the green, yellow and red mean. Once we got through the typical giggle that yellow means go faster and agreed it was a caution color, I figured they would get the connection. It didn’t happen so I simply said “yellow signs are warnings. Not hard rules but strong suggestions for safety. So when you are driving and see a yellow sign, know there is a caution there, something to be careful about.”
Instead of the “oh” acknowledgement I expected, the mom got angry and shouted “Is everything a teaching opportunity for you?”
I make enough dumb moves in my life. If I can avoid a repeat bad performance, I will. But there has to be some brain involvement to think about why things went less than smoothly. Otherwise, rinse and repeat will be the life activity, not the life lesson.
As a parent, I have the responsibility to raise my kids to be healthy functioning adults. To help them develop their own skills to be able to do what they need to do and to make decisions as wisely as they can. To love them enough to not always do what is easiest. To love them despite their own stumbles in their choices. To love them enough to expect they will succeed, knowing I have done what I can to teach them life skills.
A friend of mine moved to Croatia after retirement. Her parents were from there and she had fallen in love with the country whenever she visited family. She knew her small retirement funds would stretch farther in that economy and so made the move.
Much of her experience is joyful. Much of it is similar to the life she would have had she stayed in California. But there are differences.
She often says that the Adriatic nation’s male dominant culture is where the US was about 50 years ago. Little boys seem to be raised that they are the correct ones, and she often sees adult women deferring to their 10-year-old sons. She sees young women who feel they are unable to do what they want because of the roles society has given them. What amazes her is that women are the ones who perpetuate this situation. They often are very angry and domineering to other women, trying to maneuver for a small bit of power in their restricted world.
When I hear this current contrast I remember the way I felt growing up wishing I was a boy not because of gender confusion but because I recognized, even as a 5-year-old, that boys could chose to do whatever they wanted but girls had to comply with more rules. I knew that was not fair, not equal. I wanted to be able to chose my own pathway.
And when I hear woman friends talk about statements their boys make that put women down and laugh because they think it is funny, I see we have not come so very far after all.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Facebook has a lot of nonsense and a few bits of wisdom, I have seen a theme more and more recently, mostly posted by adults in the 50-70 age bracket. Generally it is a list of all the things we did as kids that kids today can’t/don’t do. We rode bikes without helmets. Sat in cars without seat belts. Got spanked. Had chores. Were respectful to our teachers. Went to church.
The punchline: we turned out all right.
The concept: Kids today are not well behaved and as nice or respectful as we were.
What is missing is the understanding that we are the current kids’ parents. We raised them to be the way they are.
So either we didn’t like the rules we had as kids and changed our parenting methods in reaction or we just abdicated our responsibility without any thought. We wanted to do what we wanted to do without any thought to the consequences down the road.
Also on Facebook I get into some conversations with people who are strongly anti-abortion but do not want any sex education in the schools. They feel that this is the family’s responsibility and yes, I agree, information about the maturation of the body is part of what parents should be discussing with their kids.
Age appropriate discussions should start when the kids are toddlers about touching and move on to making responsible decisions about all things through childhood. Before age 10 the understanding that their body will be going through a normal change needs to be started. Before age 12 kids need to learn that their body may get some feelings they never have had before and there are responsibilities to take on, things to know, so they don’t have unwanted consequences. They need to know about pregnancy and disease.
But many parents don’t have these discussions. Many feel it is “not the right time yet”. Many deny their own sexual feelings as a part of the human body’s system. Not discussed, it is secret and forbidden. Normal feelings are understood to be dirty and should be hidden.
And so, unless we empower the schools to step in, we have a problem. We have 12-year-olds who are sexually experimenting. We have 14-years-olds having babies. We have 18-year-olds with sexually transmitted diseases that will affect them the rest of their lives.
Abortion is a horrible choice. No question about it. But without education and availability of birth control, it is going to be a part of this culture with all its ethical and biological issues.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Consequences. Life happens. You can’t control all of it. But with a brain attached, you can think through your options and develop strategies to avoid unpleasant repercussions. Learn your lessons early to avoid rinse and repeat.