When the Family Fails

I want to share a story while providing some sense of privacy for the people who are at the center of this tale…..they are human like the rest of us. Like the rest of us, the choices they have made and continue to make seem to serve them but they are not happy people, so perhaps even they realize something is very wrong with their life path.

My birth family had its issues. My parents were very close, at times to the exclusion of my sisters and me. See, mom was not healthy. I have no idea what her diagnosis would have been but each of us kids have had our adult issues because what we were TOLD and what we OBSERVED were two different things.

My parents did a lot of good things for us that, for me, offset the negatives a lot. They took us camping around the United States. They encouraged us to learn musical instruments and we were all active in Girl Scouts. We received our religious education and while we did not go to Temple each Friday or Saturday, we went enough for me to understand my heritage and that doing good deeds was a part of making a good life.

But I always knew some of the things mom said were not based in the reality where I was living. I spent a few years in my early adulthood breaking many of those “rules”, proving my life would be just fine even if I rebelled.  I stumbled, and I picked myself up and I learned very quickly that no one, not even my parents would ever ever rescue me.

My sisters and I have compared notes over the years and they did not have the same perception I did. The rules were the rules and there was a lot of guilt over breaking them.  We had failed marriages. We had addictions. We grew through them and beyond them. We still probably continue to stumble sometimes but we have never ever said “stay away from me” because we are family.

source: Lucky Otters Haven

Meanwhile, around us are a kazillion other families, each trying in their own way to do the right thing with their kids. But we know our society has been failing. We have kids who are out of control. Adults now, they want what they want when they want it. They don’t know how to plan for a goal and deferred gratification is a concept that they never learned.

Many adults were not taught life skills by their parents and do not know how to cook a healthy meal. How to plan a budget. How to get along.  How to TRY to get along. They feel what they feel and everyone else who feels differently is wrong wrong wrong. Even sick and maybe should be hospitalized.  Attack and deflect if you can’t get along…..make it the other person’s fault and never never assume any responsibility.

And it goes to the parents….and then to those adult children who continue the cycle by striking out at anyone who ruffles the waters, who disturbs the system that holds the status quo together.

I have a friend I met over 20 years ago who needed a place when her family told her “don’t come here” and so, she came to me. Now, I know with my own mother, most people looking at our family never imagined we had anything less than “happy” going on behind our doors, but that’s the way it was. So I can imagine that it is hard for a 50-70 year history of aggravation to be set aside to rise and be a family, especially when there is a strong person in charge. Even if she is not healthy.  Especially if she is not healthy.

I understand how hard it is to confront an irrational person, even when it is apparent to all around her that things are not right. Weak people tend to hide. They do not want to be the next target.  So they are compliant and accept the way it is, and anyone who tells them otherwise, like me and this blog, is wrong.

Too many people would rather sweep issues that are difficult under the carpet in the attempt to ignore them. Too many people come on aggressively when they feel a horrible conflict with what they “should” do and what they “must” do.

And so, we see homeless people. We see people on drugs trying to make their world calmer, less scary.

When all they need is love and acceptance.

I know they will read this. I know it will not help calm the waters, but you know what, NOTHING I do would help. The only change that could happen has to be from them.

There will be tears. There will be anger. And you know what, it just is more of the same. A pattern that has gone on for over 70 years. People educated in psychiatry would be quick to tell me this blog is not wise.

But it is time for someone to speak up. Before more families do this to each other.  Maybe someone somewhere will recognize that they need some meds or counseling or something to heal the pain that grew. Maybe……I hope so.

 

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It’s Past Time for Self Control

When I was in first and second grades my teacher, Mrs. Hibbard, helped establish a wonderful foundation for the love of learning.  One year, for example, we built a list from encyclopedias and other little kid references for each day of the month of February. We all know February 2 is Groundhog Day but did you know that February 1 is Victor Hugo’s birthday?  Imagine knowing at age 7 who he was and what he did!

She had a bowl of those tiny hearts with sayings on them that are sold around Valentine’s Day. They were a treat, a carrot so to speak, for achieving something good. Most typically they were for behavior not scholastic performance, so achievable to everyone equally. With those small bits of sugar she taught us self control.

A little less than a decade later my mom often criticized the hippie concept of “do your own thing” as a problem. I guess, Mom, you may have hit part of the reason we’re so messed up now on that philosophical rebellion against the establishment. If only we were satisfied to stay in the proscribed roles, our society would have been “great” all these years. And yet, there was and continues to be good reason to make noise about some of what the people in power have foisted on us.

To put it mildly, this movement to break through conventional gender roles, color barriers and more upset the Establishment.   Those of us who are old enough to remember the late 60s and early  70s also remember how divided this nation was. There were those who supported the way of life that had been good enough for generations and the fact that those conventional mores restricted equal protection and application of the law was not recognized by people who perhaps felt threatened by others being given “equality”.   And the fight continues.

As we’ve moved away from back fence discussions with neighbors we know to the faceless aspect of Facebook, these discussions often become rude and completely worthless as an exchange of concepts.  Part of the population never quite understood that “political correctness” just meant being polite to all people and  most of the population never learned how to hold a persuasive argument. If  a person has no way to frame their position like a salesman, gently showing the benefit to the “prospect”,  that person has no recourse but to say the same thing again and again and then, in frustration, turn to denigration.

I have a good number of friends that I have made in places I have lived. While we never really talked about politics until recently, I had commonalities with them that nurtured our friendship. Some of them have disowned me; others continue to today and are able to present their viewpoints and respond to mine. What’s the difference in broad terms between these two groups of people?  Generally, it is their own self confidence in the life choices they have made and their self control in the way they live and speak.

I have other friends on Facebook, people I have never met face to face. They became friends because of some commonality.  The farm-to-table movement attracts people who are concerned about how the food we eat affects our health, and politically, we are all over the spectrum.  It amuses me that one of the people who “likes” almost every food warning I post on Facebook is unable to write out her own feelings on the political issues that shake us, and relies on some of her Facebook friends to engage with me.

It doesn’t bother me to have discussions with people who hold opinions different from mine. How can we ever find our commonalities and perhaps solutions to these issues without sharing our concerns?

But there are many people who degrade rapidly or eventually. It’s as if they just can’t handle the points I raise. Perhaps they start to agree but their longer held position pulls them back and scared a bit, they lash out. Perhaps they just can’t imagine that anyone who holds a different viewpoint is worth their time, a classic example of cognitive dissonance.

source: T Nation

It doesn’t matter if they are smart or average. It doesn’t seem to matter what their financial status is.  It DOES seem to reflect on their love learning or lack thereof.

And I want to stress here that this kind of childish behavior is displayed by people throughout the political spectrum, not just one side or the other.

So, if you, like me, wants to see us avoid another civil war, I urge you to get a handle on your self control. 

 

I’ve Always Wondered

I’ve always wondered how people going through an upheaval actually emotionally dealt with the hardship of seeing their world as they knew it collapse and assume there was nothing they could do but hold on and ride the waves.

Sort of how it feels now.

• We have two unstable national leaders playing a game of chicken.
• We have a Congress that seems to forget who put them there.
• We have a series of natural events coming fast and furious with hurricanes, earthquakes and wildfires needing attention.
• We have a huge segment of our population who is hiding as much as they can, not earning a living, because they are on a list to be removed and sent away.
• We have Germany perhaps having their first elected fascists since the destruction of the Third Reich coming this weekend.
• We have Britain’s Prime Minister trying to delay the departure from the European Union because since the vote more people know its a bad idea.
• We have the US involved in wars We the People know little about.
• We have military veterans coming home in emotional states that clearly show that war is hell and they were not prepared for it.
• We have a segment of our population who seem to think they are above average while they line up with the rest of the sheep to support the 1%.
• We have two major political parties that are dysfunctional and do not remember that this nation’s Constitution begins with We The People.

I could go on and on.

So, I have always loved to read and reading fictionalized or nonfiction accounts of how individuals live through a major crisis has given me concepts to consider.

• The Scout motto, Be Prepared, makes sense. Have skills and equipment that will help survival opportunities improve.
  • While Preppers may have the message right, it seems difficult to store 3 or more months of food, water and other supplies.  Many of us can at least have a supply of food for two weeks in our homes. I know many people who don’t keep a “pantry” with some staples. Time to wake up, everyone. It does not take a war to have an emergency when stores will not be supplied with your favorite treats. All it takes is a storm and a loss of electricity. A highway blocked. A bridge too unsafe to cross.
  • Start thinking NOW about how you will prepare food if there is no power.
  • Make sure you also store water, toilet paper, medicines, and first aid supplies.
  • I don’t need to tell you to store your weapon and ammo, but people, remember safety especially if there are children around.
  • And, by the way, your lack of preparedness does not make killing me or anyone else to get to our food and supplies an ethical or moral right. The time to think about protecting yourself and your loved ones is now. And might does not equal right.
• Build a network of people you can trust. These are people who have complementary skills and common goals.
  • So many people have no close friends and are estranged from their families because of emotional battles that may truly be pretty insignificant if you thought about it dispassionately. Time to try to heal those wounds.
  • While many people disdain the concept of church, it does provide for an extended “family”. If you are not involved in some kind of organization or activity with other community members, it is past time. No man is an island
• As the Governors of several states have recently done during hurricanes, martial law most likely will be imposed.
  • Recognize that the Internet and our cell phones most likely will stop Communication will have to resort to meeting with people face to face and talking.
  • ATMs will not be accessible and banks will be closed. Money will not be the currency of trade.
  • Most likely there will be  restrictions on movement. Gas will be in short supply and expensive.

Now, I sure hope saner heads will prevail in this building concern with North Korea. We will not do well with a nuclear war.

I hope We The People have a better memory in the next election and actually participate and vote to remove Congressional representatives who fail at their job. No one should be returned to office who has not demonstrated their responsiveness to their constituents.

I hope anyone in places where there can be warning of a coming devastation like a wildfire or a hurricane can calmly and safely get their loved ones to safety. As hard as it is to lose “everything”, no matter how precious they are, they are THINGS. You can rebuild.

I hope people in places where devastation has occurred can remember they are part of the Family Of Man and will open their homes to provide shelter and sustenance to people who have lost everything.

I hope you feel compelled to speak to your morals and ethics when others are showing their fear in hatred to a minority. When we remain silent, perhaps out of fear that we will also be attacked, we condone the attack.

I hope you know first hand how cooperating with others may not bring you the riches you dream of, but allows you “enough” as well as the ability to understand we each need “enough”.

 

I pray that any loved one serving in the military comes home safe and sound, and if not, you stay patient to give them the succor they require. As difficult as it is to lose the someone you knew to a altered person, love can help bring them around. A sense of trust and safety can provide the way.

I urge you to start digging a bit deeper for information that shapes your opinions. So many of us do NOT read across the spectrum nor any news sources from overseas, but those are the only ways you can know if the information you are being fed is accurate. Also, if what you are reading is using inflammatory language, if the article tells you what to think, it is an editorial, not a news article. News articles must explain who, what, why, where and how and leave you thinking.

As for the political parties, the ONLY way we can gain change is for everyone to get involved. Simple. And please realize that the place your voice REALLY counts is on the local level. You want to see changes, get involved in your town.

 

 

 

 

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Two Cents

Probably all this will be worth, but maybe someone will find a kernel of greater value.

We gain baggage over the years. The first suitcase is packed in our childhood home and sometimes, by the time we leave to be on our own, it is pretty tattered. 

We have relationships that fail and new baggage is added. We build friendships that slip away, pets that die. Our pains increase and our baggage grows.

Some of the baggage is self-induced. We develop ideas, many of them quite grand, of what we want in life. Few of us know how to plan the pathway to achieve those goals and so, most of us have disappointments.  Whether it is to be “rich” or “beautiful” or “popular” or whatever, without a plan, success is unlikely.  There are many bitter, angry people who struggle through life, seeming to not be able to feel pleasure in their situation. More baggage.

And yet others, who are living with hardship, seem to have an uplifted spirit. They have difficulties but seem to deal with them. Less baggage.  So, how do some people rise above all that and seem to carry less burdens?

Think of the people you know who seem to have their act together. Start with an assumption that their private face may very well be a bit more stressed than their public face, but that is still a good start. Observe and if they are close friends, ask.

Perhaps they can give you some piece of advice, worth more than two cents.

What I wanted to suggest was that when you are choosing friends, whether it is BFF type or share a life type, consider the baggage they carry. Understand that there is value in all kinds of people in your life, that insight from a viewpoint considerably different from yours may provide a pearl of wisdom that you might not be able to find on your own. But, for the most part, you will do better in your life if your companions are not angry, bitter people who don’t take responsibility for their own actions and decisions.

Just my two cents.

Divorce-Once Removed

Watching my children make life decisions can be exciting and it can be painful. Right now, my daughter is going through the awful realization that her marriage of four years is not viable. There is no life support that can revive it.

They are who they are. She had a dream and he wanted to come along so that was what they used as their foundation. It never happened. Life got in the way.

They are who they are. He is a nice guy, fun to be with. Energetic. Athletic. Wants to explore and experience. But has issues with the mundane issues that life requires. Can not stick to a plan. Can not do what he says he will do.

They are who they are. She is a planner. She sets her eyes on a goal and plans out the steps that will get her there. She makes lists and succeeds. She makes friends easily and holds them dear, but will not tolerate someone who hurts her.

They are who they are. They are trying to get through this next phase as “friendly” as possible. No kids. No property except what each of them purchased out of their own funds for their travels. So the process is as simple as the law permits.

But there are missteps and pain along the way. Communication to explain how a misstep caused an additional problem. Excuses given.  Tears flow.

All I can do is tell her she will wade through this and life will get easier.  All I can do, if he reads this blog, is tell him the same.

Life’s mistakes are opportunities for personal growth.  The only thing we can control in some situations is our attitude.  Chose the high road. And parents-watch what you say. It is not your life. Let the adult child make the decisions.