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Travel, Food, and Slices of Life


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I’m Reviewing My Life: Seeing the Trend

Image result for jimmy carter not a democracyLike many of my sisters and some of my brothers I am pretty disturbed by the way things work out in Washington, DC. We have moved away from a government with checks and balances and I can agree with President Jimmy Carter than the United States is no longer a functioning democracy.  He actually has been warning about this for quite some time; the need to have millions and millions of dollars to run a campaign is one sign, the way a whistle blower like Snowden is cast as a villain because he is illuminating secrets that are not to be aired for public consumption, and because women and other groups are not accorded equal protection under the Constitution. You may not think he was a good President but he sure stands tall as a good person, a mensch.

So, I’m thinking back over my life, seeing where I benefited and where I was hurt solely because I am a woman.

I was born in 1954 so the first 10 years of my life were in the era the Trump supporters are longing for—a time when we pretty much stuck to the roles society had set out for us. I learned to cook at an early age, how to sew, but not how to change a tire. I learned how to let the man pick first, how to let the man I chose as my husband be the boss.

But I also wanted to be a cowboy. No this was not a case of gender confusion. I just saw week after week on the tv shows of the time that cowboys had more fun than the “cowgirls”. I wanted to be able to chose what I could do.

I was lucky to come of age at a time when there was some movement to hire more women (albeit at a lower salary I found out later). But here are some snippets of what I remember from my life:

  • I married a man who said all the right things “before” and then turned out to be abusive to me and others. He stole from where he worked and made it look like a man working for him had done it.  It was the South in the 1970s and the man was Black. He was fired and my husband was proud no one suspected him.

 

  • This man was emotionally abusive to me, to the inane point of blaming me for red lights and rainy days. I took it, trying all different ways to reach through to him. Whatever I tried earned me more abuse. But I had been brought up in the time when divorce was NOT an option, so kept trying.  I was sweet, I was firm but friendly, I was silent. I did not argue back. Nothing worked. But the day he crossed the line and hit me, I knew I needed to get out. He was a Green Beret and he could kill me.  His response: one more rape.  Yes, rape occurs in marriage but only when the man believes he can take it whenever he wants and has no interest in making his partner ….. a partner. By the way, I was raised to expect it every night…..but come on, it CAN be fun and does not have to be painful! And I bet he would have enjoyed it better, too…since it seemed to take forever…….maybe he had not made me cry enough.

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  • Working for the Tennessee Supreme Court in my first job after graduating college I wanted to go to a week-long training for people doing exactly what I was assigned: changing the information system (how many court cases in each court throughout the state) from a paper system to one that could be computerized.  The training was held at San Jose State University in California and the boss, a Southern man in his 60s, believed a young woman (I was 22) should not travel without an escort outside state lines.  A friend of a friend in San Jose said she would pick me up from the airport and I spent one evening at their home for dinner. Since he agreed I would be “safe”, he let me go learn.

 

  • There were about 8 of us in our group at the Supreme Court. While most of us in our division were not Southerners, one woman was the epitome of a “Southern woman”. She flaunted it (big hair, tight sweaters and a lot of things that are stereotypical of Southern women of that time) and whenever I want to “channel” how to act Southern, I think of her. I can’t even say her name without a Southern accent.  We were all in our mid 20s to mid 30s and when she told us that she went on a weekend with a guy friend and they slept together but did not “sleep” together we all laughed. We were not born yesterday. But she stuck to her story. We still did not believe her.

 

  • Back in Nashville years later, I was sitting in a doctor’s office waiting my turn to go in when a unknown man in his 60s approached me and told me I would be beautiful if I would just lose 50 pounds. I managed not to get too huffy and smiled, telling him I had just lost 200 pounds. (My divorce was recent history.) He patted me on the head and told me to keep working on it.

 

  • Again in Nashville but a few years later, I was in the elevator at Vanderbilt Medical Center with my 8-year-old son. We were leaving from the Neuro ICU where his dad was in an induced coma trying to get his brain chemistry regulated…again.  (We didn’t know but the next 18 months would be the most stressful of that long illness with cancer.) Sam was carrying a stuffed bear that he had purchased for himself the Christmas before and he clung to that baby as if it could save the world. Some man  in his 60s leaned over in that elevator and said “Son, you’re a little old to be carrying a baby doll.”  I got in his face and quietly snarled, “His father is in Neuro ICU dying. He can hold on to any damn thing he wants as far as I’m concerned.” The man backed off rapidly, apologizing.Image result for women in their place
  • A man where I worked served in a position of leadership in his church. He is one who comes to mind when people ask me why I don’t convert.  Basically, after observing this man and many many others who profess they are Christian, I see nothing I want to emulate. He said to me “You know, they think they are Christian but they’re not. We’re Christian because we belong to the XX Christian Church. The rest of them are Baptist or Methodist, not Christians.” But the most telling view of his struggle was the two conversations we had shortly after his second child was born. Dragging into work one day I asked if the baby had had a rough night. No, he said it’s a situation at church. He told me that they needed a new teacher in the Sunday School but the only people who had offered were gay.  I walked him through it….”does your church have a curriculum to teach the kids?” “yes” “Does it include getting naked and touching bodies?” “NO!” “So….?” I asked. He stalked away, frustrated I didn’t understand his viewpoint. The next week he walked in again, dragging his butt. Again I asked if the baby was doing ok. “Yes,” he answered, and then told me how he heard something int he night. His wife was asleep, all was quiet, when clear as a bell he heard “Love your brother!” Not once, but twice. I think my moth dropped open. I said “I don’t think many people have had God talk to them that clearly.” And then I asked what he was going to do. His answer “I don’t know” clearly showed me where his priority lied.Image result for fear of homosexuality

I’ve lived in many places in the United States. I grew up in New Jersey in the New York metropolitan area….that is 21 years. Then Tennessee….I spent 7 years in the 1970s and 80s and then another 13 years 1990s-2000s (so about the same there than in New Jersey!). I also lived in Pittsburgh (6 months), Pueblo CO (6 months) and West Virginia (6 years) as well as Connecticut (12 years). Now in Oregon (6 years).  I have gained a perspective about regional cultural attitudes that few others have firsthand.

What I can simply say is this: in an area with the diversity I grew up in there definitely was sub-textual fears and concerns between people who had differences in religion, nationality and color, but we all lived together and worked together as best we could.  In other places, particularly the South, many of the white people I knew felt that “others” should know their place. Deviating from what was culturally normal brought up conflict.

  • Bonnie, a woman my age who worked at the planning and engineering firm in Memphis when I was there, had never learned to swim. I invited her to come home with me so I could teach her in my condo’s pool. Her first question to me “Is it allowed?” She is African-American. This was 1980.
  • When I was about 50-years-old I contracted meningitis and almost died. Recuperating afterwards  I was approached by a well-meaning man (in his 40s) asking me if I had been afraid of dying. He wanted to “save” me.  He would not take “no thank you” as an answer and I had to cut off talking with him. (This was not the only time this kind of action happened.)

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So, my personal assessment from my time living in the South is that  many people have been uncomfortable for decades over the changes that have been happening. It all shakes up the position of prestige and power if woman gain ground, if people of color really are equal, if the needs of any people with some physical or emotional or mental issues have to be met. It is as if they believe all those people should just simply be invisible. Image result for equality doesn't mean pie

I will not be invisible. Neither will my awakened sisters and brothers of all colors, religions, national origin, or ability.  We are here and we know our Constitutional rights perhaps better than many of the people who only know to spout “2nd Amendment” as their excuse for the latest round of mass shootings.

So, what to do? Keep making noise. Will people who are afraid of losing ground be won over? No. Will their emotionally beaten down wives and daughters? Perhaps. Will their grandchildren? Hopefully.

We are no longer the land of the free , home of the brave. We are  a nation of patriotic lip syncers, people who know stuff by rote but can not explain a thing because of their own perception that they know enough and don’t need to read any more.  What does the Pledge of Allegiance mean? Do you know what the Bill or Rights includes? Do you understand that the Founding Fathers were pretty wise but recognized that we would have issues so they gave us guidelines: keep religion out of government and government out of religion, for example. Image result for patriotism vs nationalism

I have long believed many of us would fail the test people who want to become citizens must pass. The actions of my fellow Americans shows me we all have a lot to learn.

 

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When the Family Fails

I want to share a story while providing some sense of privacy for the people who are at the center of this tale…..they are human like the rest of us. Like the rest of us, the choices they have made and continue to make seem to serve them but they are not happy people, so perhaps even they realize something is very wrong with their life path.

My birth family had its issues. My parents were very close, at times to the exclusion of my sisters and me. See, mom was not healthy. I have no idea what her diagnosis would have been but each of us kids have had our adult issues because what we were TOLD and what we OBSERVED were two different things.

My parents did a lot of good things for us that, for me, offset the negatives a lot. They took us camping around the United States. They encouraged us to learn musical instruments and we were all active in Girl Scouts. We received our religious education and while we did not go to Temple each Friday or Saturday, we went enough for me to understand my heritage and that doing good deeds was a part of making a good life.

But I always knew some of the things mom said were not based in the reality where I was living. I spent a few years in my early adulthood breaking many of those “rules”, proving my life would be just fine even if I rebelled.  I stumbled, and I picked myself up and I learned very quickly that no one, not even my parents would ever ever rescue me.

My sisters and I have compared notes over the years and they did not have the same perception I did. The rules were the rules and there was a lot of guilt over breaking them.  We had failed marriages. We had addictions. We grew through them and beyond them. We still probably continue to stumble sometimes but we have never ever said “stay away from me” because we are family.

dysfunctional-family

source: Lucky Otters Haven

Meanwhile, around us are a kazillion other families, each trying in their own way to do the right thing with their kids. But we know our society has been failing. We have kids who are out of control. Adults now, they want what they want when they want it. They don’t know how to plan for a goal and deferred gratification is a concept that they never learned.

Many adults were not taught life skills by their parents and do not know how to cook a healthy meal. How to plan a budget. How to get along.  How to TRY to get along. They feel what they feel and everyone else who feels differently is wrong wrong wrong. Even sick and maybe should be hospitalized.  Attack and deflect if you can’t get along…..make it the other person’s fault and never never assume any responsibility.

And it goes to the parents….and then to those adult children who continue the cycle by striking out at anyone who ruffles the waters, who disturbs the system that holds the status quo together.

Image result for shutting the door in someone's faceI have a friend I met over 20 years ago who needed a place when her family told her “don’t come here” and so, she came to me. Now, I know with my own mother, most people looking at our family never imagined we had anything less than “happy” going on behind our doors, but that’s the way it was. So I can imagine that it is hard for a 50-70 year history of aggravation to be set aside to rise and be a family, especially when there is a strong person in charge. Even if she is not healthy.  Especially if she is not healthy.

I understand how hard it is to confront an irrational person, even when it is apparent to all around her that things are not right. Weak people tend to hide. They do not want to be the next target.  So they are compliant and accept the way it is, and anyone who tells them otherwise, like me and this blog, is wrong.

Too many people would rather sweep issues that are difficult under the carpet in the attempt to ignore them. Too many people come on aggressively when they feel a horrible conflict with what they “should” do and what they “must” do.

And so, we see homeless people. We see people on drugs trying to make their world calmer, less scary.

When all they need is love and acceptance.

I know they will read this. I know it will not help calm the waters, but you know what, NOTHING I do would help. The only change that could happen has to be from them.

There will be tears. There will be anger. And you know what, it just is more of the same. A pattern that has gone on for over 70 years. People educated in psychiatry would be quick to tell me this blog is not wise.

But it is time for someone to speak up. Before more families do this to each other.  Maybe someone somewhere will recognize that they need some meds or counseling or something to heal the pain that grew. Image result for love and acceptanceMaybe……I hope so.

 


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epiphany!!!

Definition of epiphany

plural epiphanies

1capitalized January 6 observed as a church festival in commemoration of the coming of the Magi as the first manifestation of Christ to the Gentiles or in the Eastern Church in commemoration of the baptism of Christ
2an appearance or manifestation especially of a divine being
3(1) a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something 
(2) an intuitive grasp of reality through something (such as an event) usually simple and striking 
(3) an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure
b a revealing scene or moment
 
In truth, I did not know anything about the Christian use of the word Epiphany until 11 years ago but I’m not talking about that definition. I am talking about the noncapitalized use of the word-the sudden deep understanding that hits a person with clarity.
So, I always believed this concept but last evening I UNDERSTOOD it. I now recognize the difference and that difference is profound.
I always was a good student. I liked school. It was very much a place for social interaction but I also enjoyed the exploration of information.  I remember the handful of amazing teachers I had with great respect.
I graduated about 17th in my class of 350 or so. I did not work hard, so perhaps I could have done better, but it was a place where I felt satisfaction. I could get decent grades while enjoying band, Girl Scouts, my religious youth group activities and more. I was not so dedicated to my schooling that I did not have fun although I have always been a goodie-two-shoes, so my concept of what is fun and yours may differ.
I struggled with math and science but managed to get As and Bs.  Still, I always assumed people who could do math easily, like my husband and my children, were smarter than I am.
Last evening it hit me that they are NOT smarter because they can do math. They just have different strengths than I do. Graham, for example, is a good writer, but he is not comfortable with a writing assignment, any more than I am with math.

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Source: Team Epiphany

And yet, I can whip out an essay about a lot of things easily. Still, we do not consider someone who can communicate in writing to be “smarter” than someone else who finds it difficult.
I believe as more and more people participate in the dumbing down of America, as mobile phone usage has lead people to assume headlines and sound bites are all the information they need, that evaluation of intelligence will have to change.
I also believe that intellectual intelligence is only one of many parts of a person’s makeup that enables success in life. Each person’s emotional maturity also permits analysis and growth….or frustration and stagnation. A high IQ with low EQ will usually lead to a life of alienation, feeling misunderstood by everyone.  The third aspect of intelligence is how you get along with others….can you accept people as they are or are you always judging others?Image result for various modes of intelligence
So, no longer will I feel inferior in comparison to a person who works comfortably in areas where my personal understanding is a bit stressed. I know I have other strengths…and I can fly well with them.
How about you?


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What’s the Goal?

They’re brain dead. Idiots. Bigoted. Racist.  And they feel the same way about us.

They listen to their tv news, read their schlock newspapers and believe in unfounded opinion articles as news. And so do we.

Not me! You declare. So, I ask you….whatever place on the spectrum you live, have you read “the other side’s ” news? Ever? Just to try to understand why they don’t know what you know?  Not even once? Once per day would be a good try.

I posted an article  on Facebook recently that asked people to state their opinion after reading it. I also emailed this to some friends who are not on Facebook, to ask their opinion.  The article, by NBC News, explains a study done by political scientists at Texas A&M.  I  am not going to summarize it here; it is THAT IMPORTANT that you read it for yourself.  What I will tell you is that most people did not respond, and those many who commented back to me had NOT read the whole article. One said it was too biased. Another said he knew that NBC was a liberal organization so he didn’t bother.

So, I just wonder who is pulling the strings? Who are the puppet masters?   Why are we allowing this?

I don’t feel like a sheep, following the leader blindly. I suspect you don’t feel that way either. And yet, for much of what is going on, we are experiencing a significant effort to keep us separated. To make us angry at people who don’t agree with us. To reduce them to less than equal status in our thinking….and then in our behavior.

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source: RISE OF THE AMERICAN SHEEPLE: 10 Signs You’re A Sheeple

But we have had situations that have polarized us when, in truth, we really should all have a similar reaction. The horror of people being pulled from their cars and beaten. The rhetoric of our nation’s leadership making broad statements about a group of people based on…..pick one….color, nationality, religion, gender, sexual orientation….and many feel threatened instead of talking to people they personally know in that identified group of people to get first hand information about the situation.  The unbelievable situation where children are taken away from their parents when they enter the US illegally, and about 1500 have been “lost”. The lack of transparency on the actions of some government agencies whose actions beg answers. The science showing us we are essentially killing ourselves, ruining the planet’s oceans, air and more.  All these issues should really have a unified reaction by EVERYONE regardless of where they are on the political spectrum.

I think we each have a choice. We can continue sharing news that is phrased in ways to agitate and polarize or we can seek the truth behind the news and point out who the puppet masters are and why they want us distracted and separate. Follow the money is a truism.

When laws are passed to permit cars to hit protesters who are blocking a roadway, when peaceful protestors who point out the inequities of police treatment are distorted as demeaning the flag and the military, when the anger over abortion leads states to close clinics that provide all kinds of health services and screenings for people, when we incarcerate illegal aliens and separate their children from them and then “lose” some because of poor record keeping, and I could go on….we are being played. We are being made angry to uphold values we consider very important to the definition of what this country is.

Image result for car hitting people in the street VA

source: Mercury News, Charlottesville, VA

Both sides feel this way.

We need to stop paying attention to WHAT is being said and start asking WHY. And like a curious toddler, the WHY question needs to be asked again and again until we finally get to the truth.  And if, like an impatient parent, we are cut off from the explanation, as adults we know that is not right and we need to push some more.

Yes, there are people in this nation whose concept of what the United States should be would be to eliminate many of its current citizens and residents from being here.  They do not think beyond their discomfort and fear. They do not recognize that there are consequences to deporting or otherwise eliminating a class of people not “desirable”. They do not know the slippery slope they propose would, inevitably, include them. How can I suggest this? I’ve read my history. Not only Nazi Germany but many other countries where tribal factions, religious schisms, ethnic identification have resulted in millions dead.

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source: http://genocidewatch.net/2015/06/01/sudan-making-money-off-genocide/

I am appalled when I see people threatening civil war if something happens they don’t like. They need to read. They need to watch some good films that will clearly show there is no winner in war, other than those who own the corporations who run the war.

So ask yourself when you have a reaction to something you read…..how can I bring THE TRUTH to people in a way they will listen, and join together?  This means no knee jerk reactions or you are fanning the flames.

Be smart. Let’s turn ourselves around.  What’s the goal?

 


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The Most Important Job in the World

What’s the most important job in the world? Nope, not being the President of the United States, although we are learning right now how leadership in that role can influence how others think about us.   But few of us can do that job well, and so, not just anyone should assume the mantle.

I’m  speaking about parenting. Many of us are parents, have been parents, or want to be parents. Many of us should NOT be parents.

Ouch! Was that too nasty?  Perhaps….and perhaps not.

Let’s take an example from something on my Facebook feed today. Facebook is an excellent way to measure the values of your extended community. Some people who post on your feed are people you know well, others not so well, and others are “friends of friends” and you don’t really know them at all. It’s a microcosm of society.  Facebook is NOT good for trustworthy news….make sure to check everything you think is news there. But Facebook is good at understanding people’s viewpoints and that is what makes up society.

This morning a friend shared a concern that a teacher friend of hers had with parents of elementary school aged children. The teacher had posted that she starts the school year each year for the past 25 years the same way. She sends home papers for the parents to complete. We know this pile, and yes, it is an annoyance. But she sends home one more that she originates. She asks for information about the child: likes and dislikes, attitudes about going to school, family life and activities and more. She said she used to receive these essays from 98% of parents, she said in the last decade she has noticed a huge decline. Only 20% of parent’s participate in this.

Yes, I know we all work long hours. Yes, I know there is a lot that needs to be done each and every day.  But, this is parenting. You had babies. Now, the question becomes, what kind of adult do you want to grow?

About 30 years ago I had to make a decision about my marriage. I had two small children (ages 1 and 3) and a husband who was self-centered and diagnosed with several mental health issues. When I saw the toddler mimicking his father’s behavior I knew I was not raising those kids in a healthy environment. I knew that my job was NOT what made money and supported the family (he had stopped working) but to raise those children to be healthy adults who not only could function in society but contribute to it.

We have lots of complaints about kids’ behavior and lack of ambition. We hear all too often that some kids lash out in anger over disappointments. We hear that there have been three generations of families on support programs.  We have a problem and it IS us.

It is parents who are not emotionally mature enough to recognize that their priority for the next 18 years after giving birth is to raise a child who finds joy in life, is excited to be intellectually curious, and enjoys participating in community service to feel a part of solutions.

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source: http://www.smartbrief.com

What? No time?  Unless you are physically out of the house trying to earn a living 16 hours a day, that won’t fly. And if you are out of the house that much, who has your child? Surely you will place your child with a caregiver who will be teaching them how to tackle life’s challenges and embrace the wonderful things.

But I think most people are not away from their children. Most people may be struggling themselves with the burdens of everyday life and may be focusing on their own needs as their first priority. And that is still not the best.

Yes, you need some alone time to regenerate energy. No question about it. I chose 5am-6am. I asked no one to disturb me even if they were awake. That was MY time.

Then at 6am we could start the kids’ day. They had picked out their clothes (with my help as age appropriate) the night before so there was no “where are my shoes” emergencies. There is time for breakfast and packing a lunch before needing to be out the door for the bus or walk or car ride to school when you start early enough.

Can’t get up that early and be functional? Why not? What time did you get yourself to bed to sleep? What kind of “help” did you use to relax the night before that leaves you sluggish in the morning?  What are you teaching your children about responsibility and how they will be as adults?  They will mimic you.

When my youngest was in high school he ran cross country and track.  After the first track meet I saw I would be sitting in the stands for 5 hours between his first and last race.  The next meet I brought my camera and started taking photos. My husband did also.  We were recognized as team photographers and allowed on the field and for 4 years we captured photos of all 80 kids trying their best. HHS April 10 2012 1600m

I posted the photos on a site where (with a password) anyone could grab them and just about all the kids and some parents thanked us for our effort, but no one took over when we “graduated”.  It really amazed and saddened me when most parents never showed up to the high school track meets, even when they were held at our school. No car? There’s a bus and there are other people you can call for a ride.  There are ALWAYS solutions. It depends on you and what you want to do with and for your children.

Just as lust is not love, having sex does not mean you should have a baby.  But if you DO have a baby (and this is for men as well as women) you have just assumed responsibility to raise them. To be better than you are! To learn right and wrong! To develop solutions to problems! To recognized they are part of a community and receive benefits from that community so make time to give something back in service!

Because parents are ducking their responsibility, the concept of “life 101” classes to be held in middle school and high school needs to include a lot of things parents USED TO teach their children. How to develop a budget and live within it. How to balance a checkbook.  How to cook so you can make healthy meals and not need to depend on frozen options that are full of chemicals. How to sew so you can at least put a button back on a shirt. How to iron. How to change a tire. How to make a goal and work towards it. How to how to how to. The list goes on.

Image result for what parents should teach their child

source: http://blog.sfgate.com/sfmoms/2011/02/07/100-things-all-parents-should-teach-their-children/

How to adult. Just because you are over 18 and legally an adult does not seem to equate to maturity with many people.  My parents had a saying that irritated me but it was a truism. At that time 21 was the age of legal majority so they would say “You do not automatically become an adult and know how to do everything when you are 21.”

They taught me much of what I needed to know and yes, some of their concepts were outdated and I rebelled.  I failed and picked myself up again and went on. That is also part of what we need to teach our kids. How to be resilient.

So, when you look at that beautiful newborn and get teary eyed over his potential, develop your plan of action. When you catch yourself spanking the 2-year-old trying to explore her world, change your parenting discipline to one that teaches with reason, not pain. When your 7-year-old tells you he hates you, explain calmly you know that feeling because perhaps right then you are hating their behavior, but you know they can choose to behave in a way that is better. When your 10-year-old gets Cs, look to your own time helping with homework; if you haven’t been you should be able to help pull that grade up to a B at least.  Long before your 15-year-old gets pregnant tell her age appropriate information  about the physical and emotional responsibility of actions….ALL actions. (Get over it people….you had sex and guess what, they will too!)

It takes work to be a parent. And to be a good parent takes a lot more work than many people are putting in.

Look around you. How many people are lonely?  Their kids have flown away and hardly ever come to visit or have contact.  How many people are so judgemental that if the child had opinions that differed from the parent the kid was told they were wrong but not why the parent feels that way.  I talked to an elderly man who was trolling the parking lot of the church looking for his daughter who was homeless. He told me how he hated her having a Latino boyfriend and had told her she could come home but not with him. He did not see he had built the wall that his daughter would not climb over.  Do you know people like that?

It starts with babies. How you raise your kids makes a difference.  Remember that each time you are ready to condemn the actions of “kids today”.

Image result for what parents should teach their child

source: http://www.excite.com/education/blog/parents-need-to-take-responsibility-for-their-childrens-behavior

 

 

 

 


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It’s Past Time for Self Control

When I was in first and second grades my teacher, Mrs. Hibbard, helped establish a wonderful foundation for the love of learning.  One year, for example, we built a list from encyclopedias and other little kid references for each day of the month of February. We all know February 2 is Groundhog Day but did you know that February 1 is Victor Hugo’s birthday?  Imagine knowing at age 7 who he was and what he did!

candy heartsShe had a bowl of those tiny hearts with sayings on them that are sold around Valentine’s Day. They were a treat, a carrot so to speak, for achieving something good. Most typically they were for behavior not scholastic performance, so achievable to everyone equally. With those small bits of sugar she taught us self control.

A little less than a decade later my mom often criticized the hippie concept of “do your own thing” as a problem. I guess, Mom, you may have hit part of the reason we’re so messed up now on that philosophical rebellion against the establishment. If only we were satisfied to stay in the proscribed roles, our society would have been “great” all these years. And yet, there was and continues to be good reason to make noise about some of what the people in power have foisted on us.unique do your own thing

To put it mildly, this movement to break through conventional gender roles, color barriers and more upset the Establishment.   Those of us who are old enough to remember the late 60s and early  70s also remember how divided this nation was. There were those who supported the way of life that had been good enough for generations and the fact that those conventional mores restricted equal protection and application of the law was not recognized by people who perhaps felt threatened by others being given “equality”.   And the fight continues.

As we’ve moved away from back fence discussions with neighbors we know to the faceless aspect of Facebook, these discussions often become rude and completely worthless as an exchange of concepts.  Part of the population never quite understood that “political correctness” just meant being polite to all people and  most of the population never learned how to hold a persuasive argument. If  a person has no way to frame their position like a salesman, gently showing the benefit to the “prospect”,  that person has no recourse but to say the same thing again and again and then, in frustration, turn to denigration.

I have a good number of friends that I have made in places I have lived. While we never really talked about politics until recently, I had commonalities with them that nurtured our friendship. Some of them have disowned me; others continue to today and are able to present their viewpoints and respond to mine. What’s the difference in broad terms between these two groups of people?  Generally, it is their own self confidence in the life choices they have made and their self control in the way they live and speak.

I have other friends on Facebook, people I have never met face to face. They became friends because of some commonality.  The farm-to-table movement attracts people who are concerned about how the food we eat affects our health, and politically, we are all over the spectrum.  It amuses me that one of the people who “likes” almost every food warning I post on Facebook is unable to write out her own feelings on the political issues that shake us, and relies on some of her Facebook friends to engage with me.facebook icons

It doesn’t bother me to have discussions with people who hold opinions different from mine. How can we ever find our commonalities and perhaps solutions to these issues without sharing our concerns?

But there are many people who degrade rapidly or eventually. It’s as if they just can’t handle the points I raise. Perhaps they start to agree but their longer held position pulls them back and scared a bit, they lash out. Perhaps they just can’t imagine that anyone who holds a different viewpoint is worth their time, a classic example of cognitive dissonance.

How-to-Increase-Self-Control

source: T Nation

It doesn’t matter if they are smart or average. It doesn’t seem to matter what their financial status is.  It DOES seem to reflect on their love learning or lack thereof.

And I want to stress here that this kind of childish behavior is displayed by people throughout the political spectrum, not just one side or the other.

So, if you, like me, wants to see us avoid another civil war, I urge you to get a handle on your self control. candy you'll do

 


2 Comments

It’s a Puzzlement

Sorry for mixing my Broadway musical metaphors but I need your two cents because, like Tevye, I’m getting a lot of On The Other Hand  in my decision making.

Back in January I wrote about my experience with six decades of wading through medical care with all its various changes.  (I wrote that blog to help people who might not understand why the ACA is so important to people who have difficulty obtaining health care that can be within financial reach. Many of the comments I received were that people were sad I had gone through all that. The point was, many many many people do.)  And even as I wrote of all my issues, that was before my left hip started protesting loudly the year plus of walking “wonky” with my bad right knee. After a gait adjusted for pain, my pelvis had tilted. It wasn’t enough to juggle the stupid knee and then the cornea transplant, I had a new medical issue that provided a new education. Lucky me.

The increased level of pain led me to think I would have to close my business, Can-Do Real Food, My logic said that was the right decision. My emotions were not in agreement. (You can see how Tevye’s dilemma discussion seems to be part of my DNA, or at least cultural norm.) fiddler

My regular doctor offered me pain pills.  While I filled the prescription for the muscle relaxant, I soon discovered not only did it not work, but neither could I with a muddy head. I decided to go outside of standard medical practice and found a chiropractor who might help move that pelvis back into alignment.  Between his gentle pokes and prods as well as physical therapy inside his office environment, the screaming pain has diminished and I can see a glimmer of dim light ahead.

But then I ran out of insurance benefits.

The chiropractor reminded me it had taken me a year to get into the twisted position and it would take a while longer to get out of it. His thinking was once I got that part aligned I would be functional and need only pop back in to see him when I realized I was hurting again.

But I can’t afford him.

So, back to my primary care doctor who offered to send me to the same doc who said my original injury to my knee in June 2016 was “only arthritis” and “I would never need surgery”, all without the benefit of a scan. I told my primary doc I would not go back to him. I expect my doctors to base their advice on information and avoid those who don’t.

Also, since I’ve been hearing I have arthritis for years now and the pain is increasing in the affected joints, I asked to speak to someone with arthritis expertise to give me advice.  Turns out that specialization is a rhemolotolgist and the first clinic said I was not bad enough to take up their time and the second clinic gave me their first available appointment four months from now. Since I don’t have rheumatoid arthritis it is perhaps not a needed visit anyway, but it sure would be nice to get some better info.

Yesterday I had an appointment with a new orthopedic doc. I went in wanting info, very much convinced I am not a surgical candidate nor is my knee hurting that badly right now so why would I want surgery?

He convinced me I need to have the surgery.  The pelvis will NEVER be right until I am walking more normally. My knee will never be better and will only get worse. I wanted to know the probably progression of the deterioration and he was able to take the time and explain it.

So, straddling the conventional/nontraditional medicine routes gets sticky when I opt to lean one way or the other; the other side of my care spectrum voices their concerns. Some are valid. Some may be self-serving.

Here are the issues of my dilemma:

  • My insurance will be changing. I have received notice that the plan I currently have is not going to be offered. The next “best” plan not only will cost me almost $300 a month more, but will not provide for any “out of network” benefits. Since I am not always only in my town, I understand that  even a day trip to the Coast with some level of accident could end up bankrupting me. So this next “best” option is not viable. I have an appointment with an insurance navigator next week when the markets open, so we will see what we will see then.
  • Since my insurance will be changing, any additional help beyond the immediate post-operative period by this new doctor may be a financial hardship. Do I wait to chose a new orthopedic doctor after my insurance changes, pushing me into a later calendar schedule for the surgery and recovery during my busy season with Can-Do Real Food (no, I’m not closing the business). Or do I just hope he is “in network”? Or do I just hope I can switch to another ortho doc who is “in network”?
  • Will I even be able to afford any health insurance plan next year? Since Trump has eliminated the subsidies, that means my health insurance premium will most likely take up 60% of my social security payment. That is before I actually go to the doctor and pay my co-pay and pay for all the medicines I need for my asthma and blood pressure. How can I afford this?

And then, on the nontraditional side,

  • I learned on my trip to New England that the CBD portion of marijuana does an extremely effective job of reducing my pain without making my head affected. (It amazes me how many conventional medical people I have spoken with HERE IN OREGON seem not to know anything about the usefulness of this herb. But here, have some oxy. The restrictions by the Federal government have muzzled them at best and stunted their education at worst.)
  • My knee pain is very tolerable right now. My hip/pelvis problem is moving in the right direction. I can still get more physical therapy and of course I have the exercises to do at home.  If I do them…..but that’s another issue.

The new ortho doc said something that sounds real: “Many people opt to wait because they are not feeling “that bad”.  And then something happens and they are in horrible pain, wanting the surgery and then needing to wait a month or two to fit into the schedule.”

And he also said “Most likely you will heal better and faster than someone who is in high pain prior to the surgery because you are still pretty mobile.”

We have mundane but real issues also.

  • I will be restricted from driving, of course, for a while. Typical is 6 weeks but it could be shorter if I can comfortably and in good time move my right foot from the accelerator to the brake sooner. Graham, being legally blind, can not drive. So while we are going into our quiet season with the business, there are normal things we do: grocery shopping for example. Also Graham teaches one forensic chemistry class each week at Western Oregon University, about 40 minutes south of where we live.  So, we will need driving help.  We have many good friends who offered with my eye surgery and that was only needed for two days, so we haven’t abused them too much yet.
  • Sleeping spaces. The master bedroom is upstairs. I have been sleeping in the guest room, a room too small to transition permanently into the master bedroom, for months now, only climbing the stairs when we have overnight guests.  Following this surgery any guests will get the master upstairs. That part was easy enough to figure out. LOL

So, like the King of Siam, it is a puzzlement to me. A time of change is upon me. A decision needs to be made that will have consequences. Those issues, with the exception of the health insurance costs, are not easily quantifiable.options